I often try to avoid proverbial anecdotes when discussing matters of life, matters of the heart, and the essence of the journey I’ve stumbled upon. Expressing my thoughts, my experiences, and my overall revelations have become this constant exploration of avoiding nuances in my sentences; daring to avoid mindless repetition of expressing norms, which indeed deserve abstract appraisal.
So when it comes to the subject of self discovery, I tend to prefer abstractly avant-garde analyses that lead to an often inexplicably quirky study. Honestly, sometimes I like to lead my life as if I’m in the subject of a documentary, or better yet, an independent film that follows the story of a young woman finding herself along the path. Except it’s not a nice golden path, but a road filled with a lot of potholes, rays of sunshine beaming at certain points, and a few solemn park benches awaiting company.
The sheer quintessence of the path I find myself walking is a path fueled by…liberation. For so many years I tried to meander a path that was indistinguishable to the peers crowding me, but in hindsight I uncovered the beauty of the renaissance woman I was destined to be. Yet, I still found myself trying to equate the definition of a renaissance woman to my distant role models, but then my desire to fit that mold was swiftly becoming unnerved. I couldn’t aspire to be like my so-called “role models.” Far from suitable. I couldn’t navigate myself through the necessary assimilation to transition from one mask to another, so then I accepted the reality of being unreservedly quirky, a “title” that seemed to offer the utmost liberation.
I can’t aspire to be like someone I admire, well…because that’s too much pressure. I’ve never fit the mold of any category. Yes, I’m an artist & I’m driven by the creative abstract expression that makes my art personable, but I’m more than just an “artist.” The same principal applies to my writing. Yes, I write. It’s something I love and I’m very passionate about, but even being confined solemnly to that title alone stirs apprehension in my heart. Art, writing…simply things I do. Without any immeasurable sense of doubt, both of those disciplines shape my personality, but then there is still the question of my personality. What is it?
It’s been one of those things I’ve been trying to figure out…okay, not really figure out, but accept for years. Not just my personality, but even my self awareness & appreciation for my body. My height used to frustrate me, but over the years I’ve grown to love being basically 6ft tall. But my body issues are something I’ve been dealing with for 5 years, and lately things have been bumpy since my visit to the doctor confirmed that I do have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and it’s something that I’ll have for the rest of my life. It’s not deadly or anything (I do need to start treatment to avoid more serious illnesses), but for now its just a hormonal quandary. But I’ve come to terms with my body image, and I’ve accepted the fact I will always be curvy (as well as the occassional hormonal imbalances). Nothing wrong with that. Just means I get to be curvy & quirky, quite a fusion.
So I’ve accepted my body, and now as I’m heading towards a new phase in life (graduating college & chasing after my dream career,) I have come to terms with being my jazzy & quirky self. I tried to be one of those “flawless” divas that has got everything together, but that’s not me. I could care less about constantly getting my nails & hair done (I can do that myself.) I don’t want to constantly be seeking the approval from a male. The only approval that matters is mine. I approve myself, that should be adequate. No need to alter my personality or “dumb down” my intellectual quirkiness that generates the spark in my big almond eyes. And now that I’ve come to terms with accepting my single life & not having the pressure to constantly date a bunch, I realize that I can truly focus on expanding upon my quirky personality & finding new witty things that bring forth undying serenity. Ah, “undying serenity,” I do quite like the sound of that….
When I first sat down to write this post, I wasn’t quite sure what direction this was going to take. I just wrote. But looking back upon every delicate sentence, I realized why I love my blog. Even though I write about music, film, and other aspects of pop culture, I also enjoy sharing pieces of myself with my readers. It’s nice to break down the facade, and let my soul guide my fingers with every stroke on the keyboard. I try to write without any expectations, I just write because it’s something I love. It’s a piece of the abstraction expression held within the framework of my personality, and every time I blog, I feel like a part of me is somehow having an impact on the world. I don’t expect to make people smile or laugh, but if it happens in the process, then that’s just the beauty of my artistic soul doing what it does best, organically creating.
©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com
For more information on Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, visit the PCOSupport site.
Bon Iver- Holocene
I’m a lover of all things artsy, but I’m also a lover of all things geeky with a hint of delicate chic. I’m not one of those females that compromises my femininity in order to enjoy videogames and geek culture. I still love sassing it up and looking glamorous, but the lingo that comes out of my mouth is often a shock to most folks. It’s not that I go around talking random “manly” topics, but my conversation is just uber down to earth, geeky, random, and imaginative.
Now I will admit that when I was in middle school and high school I tried to suppress my personality in order to fit in with the rest of the “normal” girls that all the guys wanted, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t hide my exuberant characteristics. I still always felt like an outcast and a lot of the so called “normal” and “popular” girls always found a way to tease me. You’d think that me being like basically 6ft tall and thick would put some fear in their eyes, but they were just idiots. There were so many girls in middle school and high school I just wanted to smash their skulls in, but I just tried to ignore the robotic drones and focused on discovering the art of being geeky chic, which in my opinion is pure awesomesauce at it’s finest quality.
It’s not like I walk around wearing “weird” clothes, but my personality is just this compilation of confident art and abstract enthusiasm. I don’t live my life like an obsolete apology waiting to be accepted, yet I opt for living a life filled with the elbow room to explore the creative gears churning inside my noggin. Oh yeah, I should also mention that my declaration of being geeky chic and high on awesomesauce, is a declaration that wouldn’t be complete unless I told you that I’m extremely blunt. I’m not a sarcastic prick or a bitchy asshole, but I don’t hold back my thoughts. A lot of guys I dated used to complain that I never really opened up and seemed vulnerable, so I decided “You know what, they have a valid point. So let me start speaking my mind and not hiding my artistic-geek-chic desires.” Instead of showing off a few aspects of my personality in order not to seem “weird” or too avant-garde, I often found myself still being me but not letting the cat out of the bag.
The art of being a female geek and understanding how to cultivate an aura that is totally awesomesauce is one that I’ve finally gotten down to a science. I’m all about letting the cat out of the bag, and I don’t mean that term in the usual negative connotation of unleashing a secret. For me, the term means to just be upfront and honest with the type of woman I am. I’m glad that I’ve figured it out now at such a young age, rather than spending the next 10 to 15 years of my life still trying to find my personality. I know me. I know the pieces that put me together. I know my humor. I know my attitude. I know what works, and I also know what doesn’t work for me. Trying to be this glamorous chick who’s always on point and has this seemingly “flawless” vibe is something that doesn’t work for me.
I’m at the point now where you honestly either get me or you don’t. In the subculture of being a proclaimed geek and artist, there is no concealing of innate character; which is what makes awesomesauce so epic and awesome. A person who has become one with their true identity and isn’t ashamed to share it with the world is someone that bathes in awesomesauce. It’s like you just don’t care if people accept you or not, because at the end of the day you’re still going to have that zone of immeasurable creativity that feeds your soul. Craving the attention of someone’s else affirmation is a tasteless task that I’d rather not embark on.
The art of being who I am is entirely an abstract aura of ingenuity, liberation, geeky chic, and a tantalizing body wash called AwesomeSauce. The basic ingredients are: no explanations, no apologizing, a dosage of fearlessness, vibrant color spectrum, a list of “what if”s in case zombies ever attacked, three favorite superpowers, a worldly musical ear, and a stable addiction to videogames. You can take or add from these ingredients, but at the end of the day it’s still going to be a creative fusion of awesomesauce.
©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com