What is surviving? What is survival? Does it involve crap tons of cameramen following every move you make as you eat ants and complain about not having a cell phone? Is that survival? What do you think of when you think about that word? I think a lot of things. First I think of bears. Lots of bears. Not just any kind of bears. The kind of bears who look at you and assume you’re just a giant walking salmon. You know bears, the creatures who can effortlessly snatch you up and eat you as an afternoon snack? The godless killing machines that I’ll never trust no matter how fluffy and cartoony and lovable you make them? I’m not falling for it bears. You are not eating me!
I also think about five o’ clock shadows, a massive bowie knife strapped to the side, Indiana Jones hat, tattered clothes, batman voice, and a super machete…but I think about super machetes all the time. Machete’s are pretty awesome; buy one. Use them for trees, and not human limbs….unless someone’s trying to kill you with their limbs then by all means use your machete for limbs! I pretty much think about super survivorman. He’s like Les Stroud except super. He cuts down whole trees with one swing and makes campfires the size of a small village, then puts out the fire with his mighty harmonica. When I think of surviving I also think of real stuff like starving, dehydrating, and withering away, not to mention good ol fashion cannibalism! These aren’t pleasant things, but you’d probably do it. If you had to you’d eat someones legs. I would! I might not even wait until they die I’m sinister like that. I’m not really that sinister. I don’t think, but I might be…Just don’t crash on a plane with me it might get unpleasant fast.
I bring up surviving because I was watching a string of survivorman episodes. Great episodes by the way, I love watching it. Every time I watch that show I realize how completely unprepared I am for the wild, and how absolutely lame it makes me feel. I can’t start a fire, I can’t trap a small rodent and rip it’s guts out if need be, I don’t know which berries are the exploding diarrhea berries. I really need to know which berries are the exploding diarrhea berries! I don’t though and that’s lame. I personally think that survival in the wild should be as imperative to teaching as general education. You know your math, and science, and writing, and reading, because guess what skills won’t be needed when you’re in the middle of a ginormous mass of vegetation that you can’t eat, with water you don’t have? Well science might help, maybe math too, but the point is survival class will help the most! Why aren’t we doing that? We should start doing that. Survival class should be like math. Even if you don’t want to do it you better do it, and if you don’t do it you don’t graduate! That or you’ll be eaten by a bear. Either ones sad. Just go to survival class!
I want to be that survivor guy. I want to be the guy who can just go into the woods for a few days with just a knife and be okay. Come back with a bear hide and some freshly crafted alligator shoes. I want to be that guy! I want to be the man who gets visited by the FBI at my log cabin because “You’re the best we have!” and I can say “I don’t live that life anymore!” Then reluctantly take the job because they kidnapped a little girl or something. I don’t have it fully planned out. I want to get this done. I already have a knife, now all I need is some talent! Be warned if said skills are achieved and you’re one of my enemies and you happen upon the forest, I might hunt you.
- All-new One-hour Special ‘Survivorman Top 10’ Premieres this Sunday, September 16th at 8PM (tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com)
- Survivorman is Back (offgridsurvival.com)