Spring break has finally come to an end and reality must resurface. While people across the country were going on road trips, seeing family, getting wasted, having one night stands, getting engaged, and dropping pounds to get bikini ready, I was at home discovering my own euphoria.
I had originally made a bunch of plans but changed my mind last-minute and decided I didn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of people who I barely cared about. I didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of "friends" and I didn’t want sit around engaging in foolish activities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it would have been fun to go partying and feel like a kid again playing outside, but that isn’t where I’m at right now. My happiness doesn’t come from people, especially not men. I’ve dealt with a lot of so-called "men" and relationships have become a hobby in my eyes, not something I take serious. I haven’t crossed paths with a man I deem worthy of taking serious and I chose not to get emotionally attached to someone who doesn’t have my best interest.
I do date and I’m not saying I don’t need a man, but at this stage in my life (turning 20 next month) I think it’s ridiculous for me to take a relationship so serious. That’s why I don’t get upset when something bad happens in my dating life.It doesn’t phase me because I wasn’t really taking it serious anyways, so it doesn’t become a big deal.Not going to lie though, I’ve thrown that "love" word around because a man confesses his love for me and I think I feel the same (probably lust or loving the idea of him) so I respond with that terrifying word. I don’t think I’m the only person out there that feels this way and I know from a fact, especially by looking at mainstream popular culture.
In mainstream popular culture, relationships are either a fairytale or mind-blowing sexual escapades. This selfish attitude carries over into our perceptions of relationships and I’ve been impacted by this illness as well. You don’t want to be shallow and you seek to know someone for their heart and personality, but it’s so hard to find people who actually put their real selves on display. I know I’m not the only woman who has been the "sidechick" and been with a man who lies about his identity, has a girlfriend the entire time, is engaged, and his nephew who sometimes he refers to as a cousin because he can’t keep his lies straight, is actually his son and he has a whole another life but try to cover it up with various Facebook profiles. People try so hard to run game on each other, but I’ve been through it so many times and I know all the signs, so it’s not that hard for me to figure out.
Then they walk away from the situation and cut off all contact with you thinking it’s tearing you up emotionally, but in actuality you had been thinking of ways to dump them since the second week and only stayed in the relationship to get your satisfaction and didn’t get emotionally attached. Relationships are like a television channel to me, I watch it for a while and then turn to the next channel, occasionally turning back but that’s rare. I’ve had the chance to analyze how I approach relationships, taking into consideration I just got out of a relationship with a man who lied about his entire identity and I was the side chick.But I’m not mad at him all because I got what I needed and moved on. So it’s all good in my book, he wanted to be this big time player and didn’t take into account that I myself don’t take relationships too serious and always have a handful of men I’m talking to…men that perk my interest but could never capture my heart.
One day I’m sure I will find that man who captures my heart and makes me want to fully commit, but that hasn’t come my way so why worry about it now. There are some people who need a relationship to make them happy but in my case I don’t get happiness from a relationship. It usually ends up becoming this burden and I contemplate ways to dump them, while the entire time I’m trying to be a good girlfriend but don’t feel like putting in all the work. I’ve had this discussion with my guy friends and they say I have the mentality of a male, but I prefer to think I’m a quick thinker and I see the end result of a situation. I already know how the script is going to attempt to play out and I’m not in the mood to see a play, so I get out usually before the second month.
Looking back on a lot of the decisions I’ve made concerning men, I think it’s best to say I enjoy being single. I can do whatever I please and not worry about being out-of-town too long or what guy I’m grinding with on the dance floor. It doesn’t matter! Not saying every woman my age should be single and go around grinding up on every hot guy (I only dance with guys I find very attractive), but I’m saying it’s okay when everyone around you has these long-term relationships and you’re the single chick who has a new guy every other week, goes on some dates, and then either remains friends with them or never talks to them again.
I gladly accept the woman who I am and love being single! I don’t need this confirmation of a man to feel like I’m doing something with my life or to feel that I’m more of a woman because I have a man by my side. I’m not completely the woman I want to be yet and a man just doesn’t fulfill the empty space in my life. Emotionally, physically, and mentally a man doesn’t make me happy. I mean yes everything feels good( not just physically but knowing someone wants you or is pretending to care), but that doesn’t send me into a state of euphoria.
My discovery of euphoria doesn’t come from my interaction with men, but sitting down and having a conversation with myself. A man couldn’t complete me right now, because in order for me to feel whole as a woman there are some things that I need to do for myself. Being single gives me the time to focus on school and figure out where I’m heading within the next year. If I had a man( which I did for the past month and was annoyed) I’d be upset with his presence in my life and I’d want to live life not worrying about anyone else but my family and my well-being. It seems selfish, but eh it is what it is. I’m tired of trying to do what seems right in the eyes of everyone else. Everyone around me has relationships and I always feel this pressure like "wow, been single for 3 years, I should fix this and get a man in my life." Well I got into a relationship and now I’m out of it, and I’m over trying to search for something serious. I don’t want something serious right now.
There are so many things I wish I would have accomplished but because of so many distractions with men and getting sidetracked trying to fill this empty feeling with men, I’ve neglected things I wanted to take care of. For instance, I love being curvy and all but I miss being a size 6/7. I miss not worrying about muffin top or cellulite, I miss being able to find my size in mainstream stores and not having to order offline or go to a plus size section. I’ve been a solid size 14 for three years now and due to inconsistency, I haven’t dropped down back to my regular size. I mean it’s not like men don’t like my body, usually they love grabbing and slapping my booty, but I’m tired of being wanted just because of my booty and how I turn men on.
Being single for me is a healthy emotional state and I need to commit to this process. I want to finish school, I want to lose all this weight, and I want to graduate in spring 2012 and next summer begin my life living on my own and working a job somewhere as a writer. A man is just to big of a distraction and even if I did have a man, I honestly wouldn’t care about him at all. It would just be something to pass time with and make me feel good, then I’d dump him and move on. Why spend time chasing after men and letting them chase men, when I can use that time chasing my dreams and chase after imaginary designer dresses while running on the treadmill.
I’m a logical chick and it seems more logical to me to focus on something that will benefit me in the long run. I want to be the most fabulous woman I can be for myself and when that day comes years from now when I’m in mid twenties, I’ll be ready to be in a loving healthy relationship. A relationship where I’m not talking to other men, finding ways to break up, and a relationship that I’m emotionally attached to and not just getting my selfish pleasures fulfilled. Until that day comes, this single girl is going to devote her time to discovering a euphoria that doesn’t involve constant male attention. A euphoria where I’m completely satisfied with being single and living out my dreams without worrying about cheating, being gone to long, or having to commit to someone I could care less about, let alone know their favorite color. Why bother? I’m just going to end up hurting another man and not even being phased when they hurt me, because I expected it and didn’t care in the first place. I think it’s best to stay single and not create anymore casualties for other women wanting that serious romantic relationship in their early twenties. He’s all yours, I didn’t really want him in the first place anyways!
You Don’t Know Me by Armand Van Helden
Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green