Good morning! I hope that everyone had a fabulous weekend. Do anything major exciting? Well, I didn’t. My weekend consisted of late night gym sessions, listening to house music, and watching Lethal Weapon. A great weekend in my book. Oh, and in the midst of my random chilling, I had over a dozen messages on OkCupid. That’s right, I have an online dating profile.
For starters, meeting men isn’t really that hard to do. I’m always meeting guys in person, when I’m house dancing, and yes online via social networks and dating sites such as OkCupid. I’ve been off and on OkCupid for years, and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even take it serious. I mean, yes I do make sure I have my best pictures up and my profile is written true to who I am, but when it comes to meeting guys…I never take it so serious.
For instance, I have a date tonight with this guy I’ve been talking to for a week, (random fact: he’s into cosplay,) but I’m not sitting here stressing over whether or not it will be my next relationship; relationships aren’t really for me, I prefer casual dating. Luckily, he’s on the same page, so I shall get coffee, finally see Iron Man 3, and perhaps make yet another male friend; majority of my friends are guys.
On OkCupid, out of all the messages I get bombarded with on a daily basis consisting of the usual “you’re so beautiful” or “wow, you’re so sexy and tall,” it’s rare to actually find someone who catches my interest beyond flattery. Yes, I welcome the compliments (I receive online and in person,) but it takes more than jamming compliments down my throat to actively get to know me.
At least say you love house music…you’ll score some points.
As a 22-year-old fresh out of college and living in the Washington, DC metropolitan, I’ve got lots of options when it comes to men. Age range is quite open, considering I tend to hang out with a lot of folks in their late twenties and mid thirties. But I suppose since OkCupid is essentially free, I have it up there for the illusive grand idea that one day someone could message me and we could maybe actually hit it off…not just hit and quit it like most of the guys seem to want nowadays.
The one thing that strikes me about online dating is the fact that people just don’t seem to really try anymore. But then again, should you have to try at dating and being nice? It should be natural, well at least, for me it’s natural. But seeing some of the ways guys harass me until I write them back (I’m a very selective replier) or start off with nice conversation, then ask me to come over their house for a drink (really, come on…really,) I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of men on OkCupid don’t know how to approach a beautiful woman.
But I can’t just blame the men, I blame the women too. Somewhere in the chaos of OkCupid and messaging random women online, some of these men must have encountered women that were actually okay with going to a random guy’s house and hooking up for sex right off the back. How do I know? I’ve met females who have done that. Dangerous? Yes. And does it lower the standard? Yes, it absolutely does.
Just the other night I had this fairly nice looking Latino guy (I often tend to date Latin men and other races,) spend 20 minutes discussing house music and the UK. By far it was great conversation, but then he decided to start asking me out for a drink. He said, “There is no way I could let a woman as sexy as you get by this evening without having a drink with me.” Decent attempt, but I wasn’t in the mood. So I let him know I just didn’t feel like going out with him. He then said, “We don’t have to go out, come over my house I’ve got wine. I’d love to have a sexy woman like yourself over right now.” Wow, nice job at being subtle. After going back and forth for a few minutes and me telling him off that I’m not stupid enough to go to some random guy’s house, all he could say was “I’m not random, we’ve chatted 30 minutes…we are friends now lol.” Ignored him, moved on.
Some men who aren’t mature enough to realize that each woman has different standards, take their past experiences/interactions with women who easily put out or are overly sexualized, and distribute this ideology to women like myself. Thus, the messages I get and the lame attempts at persuading me to hook up are simply just something they’ve come way too familiar with, and somewhere down the line one (or maybe a few) women said it was okay. Well for me, it’s NOT.
Now, you may be saying to yourself “if it’s so negative, then why do you stay on the site?” Well, I suppose somewhere down the line it’s become just another social media website instead of something I use for active dating. I mingle with guys, and sometimes I get messages from men who actually are artistic and catch my eye, leading to a date and a decent friendship. So in the same way that these men just don’t take it serious anymore and just want to get a quick fix, I do the same; my fix isn’t sex, it’s finding suitable artsy/intellectual conversation.
Words turn me on like crazy, and if we’re talking about house…then I’m all ears.
Stay tuned for more of my OkCupid rantings and ramblings. Have your own? Feel free to share!
Just for sheer boredom, yes, I do have an Okcupid account. Do I use it? Yeah. Do I take anyone I meet on their serious? Not really, but that doesn’t mean I’m against using it to mingle and have a range of bad to amazing conversations (you never really know what to expect).
So, in sort of a freestyle type rant. I used to do spoken word, so the delivery of this sounds much better when I’m speaking it. But you get the gist. I decided to write a poem that captured the vibe of online dating and the entire atmosphere surrounding Catfish: The Tv Show.
Browse. Click. Select.
ingredients for faux pas romance.
Riddle lies of curiosity transmorph into daggers to the heart.
initial message packed with the promise of
What if you’re the one I spend my life…an hour…or a night with?
What if you’re existence is abstract,
a living Picasso, distorted truths….
What if you’re a game of shadows waiting to capture me?
Yet I need….
your airbrushed six-pack,
your devilish yet slightly charming grin,
your “i’m different” two chains speech,
your now-show “magic tricks”
I need it….or do I really?
I’ve got a message. Lemme check it.
Oh, he’s an international model from Australia
by way of Idaho.
6’4” with the body of adonis.
Translation: he’s 5’6” with “more to love.”
Enjoys taking bathroom photo shots,
far from international.
LIE. Make it big, make a statement.
Attention is what you want…
we all want.
So let me be your lil’ lie…for now.
On one particular evening in 2010, I found myself glued to the Sundance Channel watching some documentary called Catfish. I had never heard of it before, but after glaring at the description for a few moments — I decided to watch the entire film.
If you never watched the film, then it’s worth checking out, especially if you’re curious about the new MTV series Catfish: The Tv Show. Basically this guy named Nev ends up falling for a girl online, and he learns that her little sister is an amazing artists. As he builds up a relationship with this striking woman via Facebook, phone calls, and texting, his brother films the entire process. But at a certain point, the time comes to actually take a journey and meet the girl of his dreams…but she isn’t the beautiful sex pistol with a huge social life and a heart for Nev. Nope, it’s an older woman with kids, scraggly hair, and an awkward personality. Yeah, he was majorly blindsided.
Have you ever gone through anything like that? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t…but I have. In my adventures of online dating and making friends online ever since the coolness of Myspace, I’ve had my fair share of lies. The lies about their “lives” varied each time. And one time the guy looked nothing like his pictures at all. Instead of being this light skin hottie with a bright smile, he was this dark skin (I didn’t mind, but don’t lie about your complexion) tall guy with messed up teeth, a horrible smile, and a life that was a scam. Yet, I dated him for two weeks, then dumped him. Guess I was lonely and used him for company. Haha, I’m not perfect either.
I’ve been through it so many times. Even falling in love with a guy, meeting in person, dating for three weeks, allowing myself to be madly in love, and then realizing his name was a lie, his education, where he lived, his car situation, his family, and realizing he had fake Facebook profiles and a girlfriend. Yeah, never letting myself trust that hardcore again. Well, I trust some people, but it’s going to take time. All these men I’ve met offline and have built friendships with, even relationships, end up being married, have girlfriends, or just scumbags. Online dating and interactions have become some polluted by fakes, that it is hard to find true folks; even some go to extreme to make their life seem so real on Google. Guess you never know.
I’m not perfect, but never have I lied about my life or my looks. As many pictures as I take and I have Skype and my life is basically on the web via this blog, it would be pretty hard to make up stories; my life is cool, why hide it? But some people, for whatever reasons, build online connections with people under false pretenses. And the show Catfish is all about that.
The first episode of the show followed a girl named sunny who had a 8 month online relationship with a model, but Nev slowly unraveled the truth and took her to meet her beau. But come to find out, it ended up being this overweight vindictive girl who was bullied in HS and decided to start getting back to strangers. She never even met the guy she claimed to be, but had made a profile for him and everything. Horrible, right? But I did enjoy the drama and intrigue, and it’s safe to say we can expect more of that from this Catfish TV Show.
So, did you watch the first episode? Has it ever happened to you? I will admit, I’ve had a lot of bad encounters, but I’ve good as well. This year I met a guy I had known for 2 years online, but we had at least Skyped, text, and talked on the phone. And you know what, it was awesome meeting in NYC. We are still great friends and we both were telling the truth about ourselves. So in the midst of the bad, their can still be some good, and hopefully Catfish will have a few stories that end up good. Guess we will have to wait and see until next week!
Oh and if you’re wondering have I learned my lesson? Yes. Even though I have an Okcupid account, I doubt I will end up meeting anybody soon. I rather date and mingle in the club or a bar rather than online, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a profile up.
Our society functions off the principle of “hello, goodbye, never,” so I don’t see why these men get so terribly upset. When I say “hello,goodbye,never” I basically am referring to the concept of relationships not being long-term.
Connectivity has become diminished to short to term promises, instead of relationships that have longevity. Now, I don’t think all of our society is like that, but a majority of the young men and women I encounter are in tune with that mindset. So if these immature men I meet are just looking for something easy and a sex kitten, then they can easily go find a girl that fulfills their needs and doesn’t enrage them with intellectual conversation.
If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you. You meet someone, you attempt to accomplish whatever it is you are in search of, then you say goodbye, and then you move on. I used to try to treat every man I met like he was going to be the next man I fell in love with, but that wasn’t the case. Usually it was just one date, a few phone calls afterwards, and then we never spoke again. That’s how it’s done nowadays. No stress, no pressure, no expectations.
I’m not necessarily pleased with the way things operate, but it doesn’t mean I’m not also an advocate of the no expectation theory. I can’t expect every man to understand me and want to have a long-term relationship, but that doesn’t mean I just become a girl that is “easy” and just focused on making love faces. Being an easy slut isn’t cool, especially since I’m a woman that has morals, intellectual pursuits, and a personality that doesn’t allow me to objectify myself. I’m a Taurus; I’m too stubborn and confident to succumb to being just someone’s object of affection pleasure. My aggressive nature is better suit for intense romance that encompasses physical, mental, and spiritual.
Life and the journey of love are something I value. I’ve been through a lot of crappy men and dragged into ignorant conversations, but I still have this redeeming quality in me that allows me to believe in something great magically happening one day. I’ve been the side chick, finding out men are married or even have girlfriends, and feeling like a total blow in the face. And some of the situations I put myself in, I’m not perfect either. Yet, even with all the horrible things that have happened to me emotionally and physically, I still somehow believe there is a good man out there; I just can’t sit and try to pinpoint the day it will come true, or the type of guy that will become more than just a “hello,goodbye, never.”
What I mean is I don’t know when I’ll meet a man that is more than just some great conversation, a date, perhaps a kiss, a little foreplay, and then a goodbye, followed by never talking or hanging out again. There was a point and time in which I’d be highly disappointed or beat myself up over the lack of longevity in my interactions with men, but then I realized it wasn’t me, it’s the societal approach to dating. The pool of human emotions and interactions is more like an ocean, a massive body of water that can be rough, soothing, gentle, and even deadly, while still bringing forth life. The tides are always changing, but in the midst of all the change there is still a system at work that will bring forth meaningful existence.
Good men and good women still exist; it’s just that those of us in the dating “game” realize that we have to go through a lot of hell in order to find that meaningful connection. But it all makes sense, right? I mean, how can you truly appreciate the good if you’ve never experienced the bad? I’ve experienced a great deal of bad, but I’ve also run across some good. It may not have been the greatest batch of good, but it did have qualities that made me appreciate what I had in comparison to the prior horrors.
I’m not giving up on pursuit of a meaningful relationship, but I will say the journey has been interesting, downright comical at times. At least all my “hello,goodbye, never” encounters have been educational moments that I can one day look back upon and cherish. Life is hard, dating is hard, and being a human being is hard. But I know that as long as I’m growing from my experiences, the end result won’t be a waste of time. And sometimes, I’ve been that one to say “hello, goodbye, never.”