Who wants to spend their life being the girl by the pool? Recently I’ve ran across so many men who get offended by the fact that I’m going somewhere in my life. They refer to me as an “independent black women”, yet I don’t even work full time and make my own money. I still live with my parents and go to school full time, but that is still “too progressive” in their eyes. I do admit, I am a freelance writer and I run my own multimedia business, but in family that is normal.
What surprises me, is that it is okay for these men to be working on their masters and Phd’s, working full time, and have a complex schedule. Yet, if I mention that I’m busy writing and working on some internship prospects, they tell me I have way too much going on in my life. It’s such a double standard! A lot of men say they want these strong independent women that have their own, yet they get turned off by my broad intellectual interests and my list of accomplishments that aren’t typical for a 19 year old woman.
Let’s talk about the girl by the pool. Who is she? This entire concept that a woman waits around the pool all day for some baller to come home, it absolutely absurd. This image is quite unrealistic and leads to destructive patterns in male and female relationships. This ideology of women being sex objects is seen in all genres of music, but especially in the realm of hip-hop. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen a mainstream music video, without some gorgeous sex pistol woman in some tiny swimsuit, lounging around some average looking rapper. Seriously, Rick Ross doesn’t get those girls and Lil Wayne isn’t the next GQ model.
Don’t get me wrong, these women are beautiful and even sexy by the standards of commercial beauty. However, the image these women portray isn’t the reality of the everyday woman. The average black woman is most likely a single mother or a young college student trying to make a name for herself in society using her intellect and corporate skills, not bedroom skills.
I don’t aim to blame the men of hip-hop for women’s portrayal, but I do attribute the blame to the men and women. Nobody is holding a gun to those women’s head and forcing them to strip down and catch the title of the next “video vixen”. I’m not one of those feminist that is going to sit here all day and argue about the degradation of women. I don’t hate on the young women in the music videos and King magazine, that are famous for their looks. I could honestly care less, do what you have to do to make a living.
The problem I have, is when this stereotype is pinned on me and men get offended that I won’t bow down to these cliché images. That’s when I have to step up and voice my opinion. These men tell me I’m sexy, I have a nice ass, nice breasts, sexy full lips, and I’m simply beautiful. They tell me all the things that a young woman would want to hear, but they get offended by the fact I have so much going for my life and I’m opting to be a intellectual connoisseur.
They tell me I intimidate them, which is one of the major reasons why I’ve been single for three years. Nothing serious, just dating, and usually after the second date, I never hear from them again. I’ve tried a different approach before, just to see how men would react to me. I’ve gone out on dates with guys and pretended to have nothing going on in my life, no clarity of my career direction, and I’ve been very sexually aggressive. How’d that turn out? These men became smitten with me and wanted to pursue me for a relationship and of course the occasional booty call. But, usually after a good two weeks of playing the charade, I begin to open up more and allow them to experience the real intellectual and artsy me.
That doesn’t go to well. At that point, they become immediately turned off by my fascination with the arts, science, and my appreciation of history and a broad range of international music. I stopped testing out my theory, because it’s a sad commentary on the appreciation of intellectual worth in our generation. But, the good news is due to my background and how my parent’s raised me…I’m not going to stop being me.
I’m always on my grind, trying to think of innovative ways to achieve my goals. I’m an avant-garde woman, with dreams that can’t be construed by idiotic rejection. I’m not that girl by the pool, I’m probably the one you’ll find in the library, or the one sitting with my laptop at Starbucks, or that girl with the skinny jeans and bohemian top, sitting in the middle of the theatre enjoying a play. I’m that eccentric girl, the one who lives off the arts and dares to be different. If your looking for the girl by the pool, it isn’t me. I haven’t gone swimming since 6th grade.
Monday morning classes came and went this week. I was exhausted from having a cool conversation on the phone the previous night and wasn’t looking forward to sitting through acting and scriptwriting. My ethnic studies class was canceled, so I walked off campus and headed to the Starbucks located not too far from my downtown campus. The tall white guy behind the counter was always in a chipper mood and you could tell he loved his job. I wondered if he was a musician on the side or a sultry poet. Whatever he did, you could tell that he had such a zest for life. I ordered my usual Caramel Macchiato, which is also my nickname that many guys have called me, along with giggles due to my childish giggle.
After my venti drink was given to me, I popped my Ipod ear buds back in my ear, put my hood over my newly dyed jet black hair (it brings out my features more, makes me edgier!), I sauntered out the door and headed to my literary studies class. I was forty minutes early, so I crawled up on a bench and began reading a ritzy black socialite novel by Angela Winters. I had forgot my Jerome Dickey book at home =(. The time flew by and the next thing I knew…I was nursing my Caramel Macchiato and talking with a girl in my class. We were discussing our plans for next semester and her decision to move back down south. I asked her how her boyfriend and her were handling the situation. She explained that he was moving to another western state for a new job, he was already established in his career, and she was till in the process of her undergraduate work. As I continued to sip my coffee, she was seemingly frustrated with the whole decision. I suggested they trying going long distance and she replied “We did that before, it didn’t work, that’s why I moved here….to be with him.”
She told me most likely they would break up, because she wanted the chance to still find herself. We got silent for a brief moment and she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I sat down my coffee, looked over at her, and basically said “Nah, I’m good.” The girl began laughing, I could tell that my sly remark had cheered her up. She checked her blackberry and saw it was her boyfriend calling. She shook her head and looked over at me “Yeah, don’t waste your time with it. It’s hard dating in college, especially when your young and still finding yourself. Girl your so lucky…I’m glad your good.” We laughed at the whole situation and our professor walked in the classroom to let us know that this was our final informal class session and we could leave if we wanted. I grabbed my coffee, put on some Tabi Bonney, and headed back towards campus.
That wasn’t the first time I replied with the simple yet explanatory phrase “nah, I’m good.” I see the hassle and stress that some of my friends my age 19-24 go through dealing with relationships and I’m so good…I don’t want it or need it. I enjoy the beautiful silence I have some nights and I don’t want to waste my time with someone I kind of like, but I could do without their presence in my life. A few weeks ago I began to feel the pressures of dating and relationships in my atmosphere.A lot of the girls and guys around me were falling in love, going on dates, getting pregnant, daydreaming about getting married, and dedicating a majority of their time to the idea and work of a relationship. Lives around me were becoming consumed with dedication and commitment, and I began to feel for a brief moment maybe I should give it a chance.
That brief moment came, watched a movie, used the bathroom, and drove off a cliff. I’m so good on the idea of having a man in my life right now. Don’t want it and to be honest don’t really need it. I never have a problem attracting men, all kind of men and some handsome ones at that, but after awhile I get irritated and bored. My time is precious and I don’t like to engage in havoc. Men can be such a bore and their platitudes burn out quickly. Women can be the same as well, that’s why sometimes I prefer to be alone in my creative sandbox.
I can be the life of the party, but I also enjoy beautiful solitude. Dealing with people can become quite exhausting after awhile, but I still manage to juggle back and forth depending upon my mood. Some people have amazing personalities and there are those with erroneous antics. I grew up having the “it” factor and perfected the skills necessary to truly be the “it” girl. Being bold and outgoing has nothing to do with looks, but having that confidence that can shake the ground. I walk with an edgy confidence and I dare haterz to say anything. I don’t too much care what anyone thinks, especially people who I don’t have a meaningful relationship with.
I love not having to worry about anyone else but my immediate family and a few extended family members. I barely talk to my friends on a daily basis, so I definitely don’t want to have to worry about talking to some guy every day. I’m not a relationship cynic or have some commitment phobia…I just enjoy my freedom and see no point in having a boyfriend anytime soon. It took me awhile to finally have the courage to admit my true feelings. For months, I kept battling with “I want someone to love me” and “Nah, I’m good…don’t want to be bothered”. Now I’m officially dedicated to the “Nah, I’m good” statement and not putting effort in entertaining any men.
But, oh no! As a woman, your not supposed to say such a dramatic statement. A woman is supposed to be thirsty for a knight and shining armor, a woman is supposed to do a career only because she can’t find a suitable man, a woman is supposed to aspire to be a housewife, a woman is supposed to find one guy, date him, and stick with him even if he doesn’t enjoy being monogamous. Oh please, that is such a double standard. So it’s okay for men to date around and not take commitment serious, but it’s not okay for a woman?
That’s the attitude that I’ve received from so many men that I have turned down. They always come back with the lame line “but why? your single, I’m single, so why not?” There are so many reasons why not, for starters I’m not interested in getting caught up in a clingy relationship when I’m four semesters away from graduating college and moving back to the DC Metropolitan. Secondly, your not the man of my dreams. I understand that everyone is in transition in their lives, but doesn’t mean I want to experience my transition with someone else. I go to school full time, live with my parents, working on a second book, help out with my brother’s career, and I do lots of other creative tasks on the side….I’m too busy to care about someone else’s problems.
I’ll admit, I can be a flirtatious and charming woman. I have a natural seductive high, easy flowing conversations, and I play video-games. To most men, I’m the perfect catch…but doesn’t mean I want to be caught. I don’t purposely make men fall for me, it just happens that way. I’m naturally a charming person to everyone I meet and I love complimenting people. I compliment men, and women. I don’t hate, if a female friend of mine truly looks beautiful in a dress that is aesthetically pleasing, I’m not going to hate on her and say “ugh you should change”. I’ll simply say “wow you look beautiful in that dress girl!”. Everyone can use a good picker upper compliment sometimes, especially with all the added pressure from media and magazines to be flawless.
My point is, I don’t do it on purpose, but that doesn’t mean I should receive attitude for my choices. If a man really cared about me as a person and didn’t want be to be their trophy piece, then they should respect my decision to focus on me. I’m not using this time to become a bitter and selfish black woman, but I’m using it to get my education, become healthier and fit, grow my hair back out, write my book and more books in the near future, and to become the overall best woman that I can be for Mr. Right in the future. None of the men I’ve met, and I’ve met a lot of men, have been what I’m looking for. Their hasn’t been that total spiritual connection, where I feel I need to commit to this person and can’t imagine not talking to them. Most of the men I’ve met have had some of the qualities I’ve sincerely wanted, but may have been to short, too skinny, off into a crazy occult (which I have met guys in occults), or simply have a clingy personality that turns me off.
I can’t stand clingy men. Eww….so gross! There’s this misconception that women are the ones that tend to be clingy…but uh huh, not the case at all! I’ve dated guys who were sweet, but annoyingly needy and clingy. It’s like I get the point, you care about me, but you don’t need to call me eight times a day to find out what I’m doing and say you miss me. A text would be fine, but not ever single hour…can’t stand that! Every woman is different, but I’m a woman who likes some distance. I don’t like long distance relationships much, but I mind distance in communication. It’s gets boring if we text all day long, I lose interest and begin to ignore text messages.
I just re-read the paragraph above, wow I really do enjoy being single. It’s not that I don’t like the idea of love, romance, having a family one day, having someone I see on a daily basis, I’m just not in the mood to have that anytime soon. People tend to bore me quickly, probably developed a short attention span from all the videogames I play. I literally can watch a movie and within the first five minutes, if it’s moving way to slow, I’ll simply say “I’m done. Lets watch something else.” I like to think it comes from my raw edgy East Coast upbringing, or its surely out of pure boredom of overdrawn introductions. Oh well, whatever the case may be…I get bored with guys after awhile. I have too much going on in my life to devote part of my brain to some guy I’ve known for a week and he’s already lurking around me. Don’t need it…don’t want it…nah, I’m good.
Years from now I’ll be sitting in an office at my job as a writer or pr specialist looking at this article. I’ll crack up laughing at my rant on men and make a lunch date with my charming boyfriend who works in DC with a career on the same level or higher as mine. We will have a beautiful lunch and make plans to go to jazz concert later in the evening. It will be a wonderful and magic moment, the spark I’ve been waiting for my entire life. But until that glorious moments comes…I’m good. I’m young, black, educated, single and quite content. I love focusing on me and enjoy the beautiful solitude that I have without the distractions of annoying clingy men that are too short or have a hairy birthmark on their cheek that they keep picking with (that actually happened on a date, so gross…it brushed my cheek when he tried to kiss me goodbye!). So next time someone asks me my thoughts on finding love, a relationship, and an acceptable but not great boyfriend….nah, I’m good….real good.