In moments of dire frustration with my current circumstances, I found myself craving an ounce (or even a pound) of stimulating conversation fueled by riveting unparalleled imagination. I’m not expecting anything of epic proportions (although that would make my day,) but when it comes to dating and interacting with men, I’d at least hope they’d be able to stimulate me, not just physically, but on a mental/personality level.
That doesn’t appear to be an outlandish request. Yet, as of late, with the exception of a select few, most of the men I’ve been encountering are so numb conversation wise. In the fashion of a robot, every word they seem to say it just another antiquated calculated response usually along the lines of an illusive “cool.” Which you’d hope could hold a deeper meaning, but it’s really just “cool, I don’t care about asking you a follow-up question.”
Follow-up questions don’t have to be the lines of a soap-opera or a masterpiece play, but I’d at least love to feel that our conversation is engaging. But oh no, it’s too much “work” to take a few seconds to create an orb of communication that is original, innovative, and shows that you at least give a damn what I’m saying. And when you don’t engage or seem to have life, then quite frankly, you’re beginning to bore me to death…or damn near close to it!
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a lot to handle. By no means am I the demanding woman that you have to wine and dine with the finer things of life; not my style. However, in order for a man to captivate me and actually give him the time of day, he has to hold my interest personality wise. Make me laugh, make me laugh so hard to the point in which my cute little giggle turns into a snort (yes, that happens on occasion.) Prick my senses with witty sarcasm and dark humour; truly, I don’t mind. And if the only music you like to listen to and talk about is commercial hip-hop, then don’t even think you’ll actually score a first date with me. As much as I love music (not just house, but many genres,) I get bored super quick when someone has a limited passion (or desire to explore) for a diverse selection of music.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dating, I love exploring the different types of personalities of men out there, but I’m really getting sick of being bored. It’s like they aren’t even trying anymore! Apparently showering me with recycled compliments, faulty promises, and temporary chivalry (until they hit and quit,) is the motivation of most of these men I encounter.
Oh, and in Los Angeles it was an atrocity. Each guy I met while living in LA (I’m now back in Greater Washington, DC metropolitan,) were wannabe players that wished they could get the model chicks and busty starlets, but they didn’t have the money nor the looks to be on that level. Yet, they stepped to me with the same cocky attitude, recycled game, and the motivation for doing one thing; hitting it and quitting it.
I can’t tell you how many times I met a guy and within the first conversation (online and in person,) he started not hinting, but blatantly talking about the things he wanted to do with me and how getting to know me involved hooking up…right away. WOW, unbelievable! And not only was it hard to believe, but the conversation became so repetitive and boring. Over and over again I was approached with the same tactics, and now I’m at the point where talking about sex and flirting is just boring.
Alright, I take that back…slightly. Talking about sex and flirting isn’t boring, but it has to be done with someone that actually likes me, knows me, and we’ve reached that level. Right off the back isn’t “reaching that level and getting to know me.” No, no, no. That isn’t how it’s done; not in my book!
If you want to truly get to know me, excitement on exhilarating epic levels, and blow my mind, then engage me with personality, culture (if you love house music, my heart is yours,) and humour. I’ll never be bored with that momentum of raw creative thoughts flowing in the conversation, and in the end you’ll probably have a better chance of getting close to me….
On one particular evening in 2010, I found myself glued to the Sundance Channel watching some documentary called Catfish. I had never heard of it before, but after glaring at the description for a few moments — I decided to watch the entire film.
If you never watched the film, then it’s worth checking out, especially if you’re curious about the new MTV series Catfish: The Tv Show. Basically this guy named Nev ends up falling for a girl online, and he learns that her little sister is an amazing artists. As he builds up a relationship with this striking woman via Facebook, phone calls, and texting, his brother films the entire process. But at a certain point, the time comes to actually take a journey and meet the girl of his dreams…but she isn’t the beautiful sex pistol with a huge social life and a heart for Nev. Nope, it’s an older woman with kids, scraggly hair, and an awkward personality. Yeah, he was majorly blindsided.
Have you ever gone through anything like that? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t…but I have. In my adventures of online dating and making friends online ever since the coolness of Myspace, I’ve had my fair share of lies. The lies about their “lives” varied each time. And one time the guy looked nothing like his pictures at all. Instead of being this light skin hottie with a bright smile, he was this dark skin (I didn’t mind, but don’t lie about your complexion) tall guy with messed up teeth, a horrible smile, and a life that was a scam. Yet, I dated him for two weeks, then dumped him. Guess I was lonely and used him for company. Haha, I’m not perfect either.
I’ve been through it so many times. Even falling in love with a guy, meeting in person, dating for three weeks, allowing myself to be madly in love, and then realizing his name was a lie, his education, where he lived, his car situation, his family, and realizing he had fake Facebook profiles and a girlfriend. Yeah, never letting myself trust that hardcore again. Well, I trust some people, but it’s going to take time. All these men I’ve met offline and have built friendships with, even relationships, end up being married, have girlfriends, or just scumbags. Online dating and interactions have become some polluted by fakes, that it is hard to find true folks; even some go to extreme to make their life seem so real on Google. Guess you never know.
I’m not perfect, but never have I lied about my life or my looks. As many pictures as I take and I have Skype and my life is basically on the web via this blog, it would be pretty hard to make up stories; my life is cool, why hide it? But some people, for whatever reasons, build online connections with people under false pretenses. And the show Catfish is all about that.
The first episode of the show followed a girl named sunny who had a 8 month online relationship with a model, but Nev slowly unraveled the truth and took her to meet her beau. But come to find out, it ended up being this overweight vindictive girl who was bullied in HS and decided to start getting back to strangers. She never even met the guy she claimed to be, but had made a profile for him and everything. Horrible, right? But I did enjoy the drama and intrigue, and it’s safe to say we can expect more of that from this Catfish TV Show.
So, did you watch the first episode? Has it ever happened to you? I will admit, I’ve had a lot of bad encounters, but I’ve good as well. This year I met a guy I had known for 2 years online, but we had at least Skyped, text, and talked on the phone. And you know what, it was awesome meeting in NYC. We are still great friends and we both were telling the truth about ourselves. So in the midst of the bad, their can still be some good, and hopefully Catfish will have a few stories that end up good. Guess we will have to wait and see until next week!
Oh and if you’re wondering have I learned my lesson? Yes. Even though I have an Okcupid account, I doubt I will end up meeting anybody soon. I rather date and mingle in the club or a bar rather than online, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a profile up.
This is a rant I began writing, but it ended up being extremely long. So I broke it up into two blog posts. Below are my candid thoughts on dating.
The art of being a pickup artist has become so antiquated. Well, actually, it’s hard to even say that’s its antiquated because in order for something to become outdated it must have held prior popularity and an sensation of being “current.” I don’t know about y’all, but I never thought being a pickup artist or using lines was “hip.”
There is nothing wrong with trying to attract someone or gain his or her attention, but having a methodical approach is just not a good look. It surely isn’t impressive when you know a guy is using lines, and had probably used that line on a ton of other women. Sometimes those tactics do work, but it’s usually on the woman that are, well…easy.
Not to be harsh, but some women girls are just superficial, slutty, and just dumb. They lack the appropriate cognitive functioning that makes them a well rounded individual, so when certain men approach them with lines they are actually flattered instead of cautious and aware of the game being played. And the women that may have a hint of intellect, but are driven by pure sluttyness know when a game is going on, but are looking forward to making love faces.
Men are more than just sexual gods to me, so I don’t partake in the game just for satisfaction. Men have personalities, emotions, characteristics, hearts, souls, and ambition that make them a man. I don’t like to treat them as if they are only good for satisfaction, yet sadly some men only focus on carnal achievements instead of tangible emotional connections. Those men realize I’m not easy, yet they have this glimmer of hope that perhaps I’ll be down for a “good” ride.
We live in such a sexually driven society, so I understand why it’s always a big factor when it comes to relating to one another. Yes, we are human beings and we have needs, but just because society and media put emphasis on sex, it doesn’t mean that every man or woman is just a sex machine waiting to be ravaged.
Perhaps I’m just a sucker for traditional romance, but I feel as though meaningful connections deserve to be made. When I say a meaningful connection, I mean a connection based on all levels: spiritually, physically, and mentally. A healthy relationship functions on all levels of interrelating, and when one area is lacking, the others are bound to eventually suffer in the end. You can’t bake a good cake without those imperative ingredients, so you shouldn’t form a relationship without those key pieces that make it taste divine.
I belief that passionate love and a meaningful connection begin with more than just a pickup line, which is why I can’t stand when men approach me with those lines. I’m not one of those easy chicks that lose their self-respect and feigns for male pleasure. I’m not out here hitting the clubs and the online dating market in search of a man to ravage me, yet delusional men think they actually have a shot.
Recently I actually had a man online send me a message using a line that was original, yet immediately signaled the making of a game ready to begin, all he needed was a referee. The message he sent me had said:
“Hey i would totally ravage you if I were ever given the opportunity to do so.. just saying”
I will give him some props for being original with his line. I mean that was clever, so I’m not going to knock him there. But like seriously, who say that’s in the initial message? It would have been slightly different if I had known him in real life or had messaged back and forth for a while, but this was the first message he had ever sent me.
Throughout all my adventures in online dating I’ve had a lot of hilarious messages, many which were degrading, some genuine conversations, and a collection of messages (like this one) that were out of pocket. I really didn’t know what to do with that one, so I wrote him back and said “Hahaha classic answer. Witty and humorous type of guy, that’s good.” I didn’t really have much to say and I was just kind of going along with it because I just wanted to see how ignorant this guy was.
He messaged me back and said “haha i know right. I should pencil you in for sometime this week ” Yeah, he just wanted sex. He even decided to hit me up in an IM and said, “Want to hook up and have sex?” I knew what he wanted from the get-go, but I just had to have a little fun and see if this guy was serious. Like it was a big joke to me, I was actually mocking him the entire time. So I wrote him and told him I wasn’t that type of woman, I prefer to take my time getting to know someone. I told him I only wrote him back because I thought it was hilarious and that he was a joke. End of story, never talked to him again.
The online dating scene does contain a few individuals like myself that are somewhat hopeful of making a legitimate connection, but a majority of the folks on these sites (men and women, even though I could sit here and just blame men) are looking for quick fixes and friends strangers with benefits. You can’t even really call a lot of the connections made friends, because in actuality everyone is just looking for something to satisfy their selfish needs.
True friendships and connections are possible to make online and in real life, but it’s rare. The dating scene in my generation has become so trendy. Everything is just for fun with no strings attached, except for perhaps a kid down the line, child support, and dreams that are crushed. Dating has just become reckless pickup lines that get recycled and cheap thrills that potentially lead to devastating consequences.
I often feel as though the days of meeting someone and forming a genuine connection have died, along with chivalry (that’s dead too, right?) I don’t mind an eternal death, but more like a death that has the potential to come back sort of like a zombie, except instead of craving human flesh, it’s an avant-garde zombie that craves love. That is an absurdly abstract comparison, but somehow it’s makes sense. In simpler terms, genuine connections are dying but that process of death can bring back new connections that are the same person, but a whole new persona.
Making those connections can be frustrating when you have to go through a whirlpool of individuals that are accustomed to other folks that have the same fake and self-seeking pleasure pursuit. When your surrounded by others that have that same mode of operation, it’s unnerving when an individual like myself steps into the picture.
I’ve always been the woman that is “different” from the other women that most men encounter, yet their tactics don’t impress me; that leads to unbearable frustration that makes them treat me like crap and attempt to break me down to their level. It’s such a childish approach to the reality that I’m not easy, yet these men still express their regret with ill temper.
I’ve never been big on magazine subscriptions, but this year I decided to give it a shot. The only magazine I would normally read was Essence, but lately their issues just haven’t been catching my attention (yet I still keep my subscription.) So in an attempt to switch things up, I decided to also subscribe to a year of Marie Claire. And so far, I’ve been loving every issue.
Normally, I would have been in my “pro black” moment complaining about the lack of diversity, lack of models of color, as well as different sizes, on the pages of MC (Marie Claire,) but even though the magazine may often appear geared towards a “particular” audience, it still has some great articles and tips. But out of all the articles I’ve from the issues that have come out in the past few months, I must say the Love and Race series in the April 2012 issue is very interesting.
I’m pretty sure the title of the article online gives you an idea of what it’s about, interracial dating. The staff of MC decided to embark on a three-part series to explore interracial dating and mating in our society. They wanted to get the inside scoop of what it’s like for some readers who felt confined to just dating within their race, but then decided to feel liberated and try something “new.” While some of the stories discussed dating White men, I still felt as though it was a great story. Yet on one blog I read, this Black woman was complaining how appalled she was by the articles and stories of a Black woman, a Mexican-American woman, and Indian woman who let go of their shame and went for the “best” in the bloggers perspective, White men. That wasn’t what Marie Claire was trying to advocate, but I guess this blogger had her own opinion.
The woman’s blog post I read was interesting, but I still kind of disagreed with her. The MC issue was basically showing a few examples of women who were so ashamed to go against their parents’ tradition (even dating someone in their race, yet had nothing in common) and actually embrace the concept of dating outside their race. Then of course, there was a story by a MC contributor who is Black, and she voiced her thoughts on the Black Dating “Crisis” and how she is happily dating a successful Black man, no kids, no drama, and he isn’t a “thug.” I liked the fact she voiced her thoughts on the reality there isn’t a crisis, but I just honestly think race shouldn’t play a factor in dating at all.
When it comes to the concept of interracial dating, I’m all for it. Honestly, race shouldn’t even be an issue when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve been the type of woman that has dated Black men, Latino men, biracial, and even gone on some dates with White men, but nothing panned out because of personality clashes, not because of race. Right now I’m dating a Puerto Rican guy, and I didn’t decide to date him because of his race, but because of his values as a man, his amazing personality, our riveting intellectual conversations, and our great connection. He could have been any race and I still would have dated him, because he’s a great guy and that goes beyond the fact he is Puerto Rican.
Love should be a journey of meeting people from a variety of backgrounds and unique cultures. That, in my opinion, is what makes the journey of dating and mating so beautiful. Breaking down the social barriers and the stigma of what some traditional parents may think, and finding your own happiness. A lot of the women in the Marie Claire article were ashamed of dating outside of their race due to the feedback or disapproval of their traditional parents, but if you really love your child and want them to be happy, then I don’t think you should try to limit them to dating with the same race. Luckily for me, my parents never cared who my brother and I dated, as we were being treated right and were ultimately happy.
At the end of the day, true love and happiness is more important then the pigmentation of skin.
©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com