In moments of dire frustration with my current circumstances, I found myself craving an ounce (or even a pound) of stimulating conversation fueled by riveting unparalleled imagination. I’m not expecting anything of epic proportions (although that would make my day,) but when it comes to dating and interacting with men, I’d at least hope they’d be able to stimulate me, not just physically, but on a mental/personality level.
That doesn’t appear to be an outlandish request. Yet, as of late, with the exception of a select few, most of the men I’ve been encountering are so numb conversation wise. In the fashion of a robot, every word they seem to say it just another antiquated calculated response usually along the lines of an illusive “cool.” Which you’d hope could hold a deeper meaning, but it’s really just “cool, I don’t care about asking you a follow-up question.”
Follow-up questions don’t have to be the lines of a soap-opera or a masterpiece play, but I’d at least love to feel that our conversation is engaging. But oh no, it’s too much “work” to take a few seconds to create an orb of communication that is original, innovative, and shows that you at least give a damn what I’m saying. And when you don’t engage or seem to have life, then quite frankly, you’re beginning to bore me to death…or damn near close to it!
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a lot to handle. By no means am I the demanding woman that you have to wine and dine with the finer things of life; not my style. However, in order for a man to captivate me and actually give him the time of day, he has to hold my interest personality wise. Make me laugh, make me laugh so hard to the point in which my cute little giggle turns into a snort (yes, that happens on occasion.) Prick my senses with witty sarcasm and dark humour; truly, I don’t mind. And if the only music you like to listen to and talk about is commercial hip-hop, then don’t even think you’ll actually score a first date with me. As much as I love music (not just house, but many genres,) I get bored super quick when someone has a limited passion (or desire to explore) for a diverse selection of music.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dating, I love exploring the different types of personalities of men out there, but I’m really getting sick of being bored. It’s like they aren’t even trying anymore! Apparently showering me with recycled compliments, faulty promises, and temporary chivalry (until they hit and quit,) is the motivation of most of these men I encounter.
Oh, and in Los Angeles it was an atrocity. Each guy I met while living in LA (I’m now back in Greater Washington, DC metropolitan,) were wannabe players that wished they could get the model chicks and busty starlets, but they didn’t have the money nor the looks to be on that level. Yet, they stepped to me with the same cocky attitude, recycled game, and the motivation for doing one thing; hitting it and quitting it.
I can’t tell you how many times I met a guy and within the first conversation (online and in person,) he started not hinting, but blatantly talking about the things he wanted to do with me and how getting to know me involved hooking up…right away. WOW, unbelievable! And not only was it hard to believe, but the conversation became so repetitive and boring. Over and over again I was approached with the same tactics, and now I’m at the point where talking about sex and flirting is just boring.
Alright, I take that back…slightly. Talking about sex and flirting isn’t boring, but it has to be done with someone that actually likes me, knows me, and we’ve reached that level. Right off the back isn’t “reaching that level and getting to know me.” No, no, no. That isn’t how it’s done; not in my book!
If you want to truly get to know me, excitement on exhilarating epic levels, and blow my mind, then engage me with personality, culture (if you love house music, my heart is yours,) and humour. I’ll never be bored with that momentum of raw creative thoughts flowing in the conversation, and in the end you’ll probably have a better chance of getting close to me….
Just for sheer boredom, yes, I do have an Okcupid account. Do I use it? Yeah. Do I take anyone I meet on their serious? Not really, but that doesn’t mean I’m against using it to mingle and have a range of bad to amazing conversations (you never really know what to expect).
So, in sort of a freestyle type rant. I used to do spoken word, so the delivery of this sounds much better when I’m speaking it. But you get the gist. I decided to write a poem that captured the vibe of online dating and the entire atmosphere surrounding Catfish: The Tv Show.
Browse. Click. Select.
ingredients for faux pas romance.
Riddle lies of curiosity transmorph into daggers to the heart.
initial message packed with the promise of
What if you’re the one I spend my life…an hour…or a night with?
What if you’re existence is abstract,
a living Picasso, distorted truths….
What if you’re a game of shadows waiting to capture me?
Yet I need….
your airbrushed six-pack,
your devilish yet slightly charming grin,
your “i’m different” two chains speech,
your now-show “magic tricks”
I need it….or do I really?
I’ve got a message. Lemme check it.
Oh, he’s an international model from Australia
by way of Idaho.
6’4” with the body of adonis.
Translation: he’s 5’6” with “more to love.”
Enjoys taking bathroom photo shots,
far from international.
LIE. Make it big, make a statement.
Attention is what you want…
we all want.
So let me be your lil’ lie…for now.
This is a rant I began writing, but it ended up being extremely long. So I broke it up into two blog posts. Below are my candid thoughts on dating.
The art of being a pickup artist has become so antiquated. Well, actually, it’s hard to even say that’s its antiquated because in order for something to become outdated it must have held prior popularity and an sensation of being “current.” I don’t know about y’all, but I never thought being a pickup artist or using lines was “hip.”
There is nothing wrong with trying to attract someone or gain his or her attention, but having a methodical approach is just not a good look. It surely isn’t impressive when you know a guy is using lines, and had probably used that line on a ton of other women. Sometimes those tactics do work, but it’s usually on the woman that are, well…easy.
Not to be harsh, but some women girls are just superficial, slutty, and just dumb. They lack the appropriate cognitive functioning that makes them a well rounded individual, so when certain men approach them with lines they are actually flattered instead of cautious and aware of the game being played. And the women that may have a hint of intellect, but are driven by pure sluttyness know when a game is going on, but are looking forward to making love faces.
Men are more than just sexual gods to me, so I don’t partake in the game just for satisfaction. Men have personalities, emotions, characteristics, hearts, souls, and ambition that make them a man. I don’t like to treat them as if they are only good for satisfaction, yet sadly some men only focus on carnal achievements instead of tangible emotional connections. Those men realize I’m not easy, yet they have this glimmer of hope that perhaps I’ll be down for a “good” ride.
We live in such a sexually driven society, so I understand why it’s always a big factor when it comes to relating to one another. Yes, we are human beings and we have needs, but just because society and media put emphasis on sex, it doesn’t mean that every man or woman is just a sex machine waiting to be ravaged.
Perhaps I’m just a sucker for traditional romance, but I feel as though meaningful connections deserve to be made. When I say a meaningful connection, I mean a connection based on all levels: spiritually, physically, and mentally. A healthy relationship functions on all levels of interrelating, and when one area is lacking, the others are bound to eventually suffer in the end. You can’t bake a good cake without those imperative ingredients, so you shouldn’t form a relationship without those key pieces that make it taste divine.
I belief that passionate love and a meaningful connection begin with more than just a pickup line, which is why I can’t stand when men approach me with those lines. I’m not one of those easy chicks that lose their self-respect and feigns for male pleasure. I’m not out here hitting the clubs and the online dating market in search of a man to ravage me, yet delusional men think they actually have a shot.
Recently I actually had a man online send me a message using a line that was original, yet immediately signaled the making of a game ready to begin, all he needed was a referee. The message he sent me had said:
“Hey i would totally ravage you if I were ever given the opportunity to do so.. just saying”
I will give him some props for being original with his line. I mean that was clever, so I’m not going to knock him there. But like seriously, who say that’s in the initial message? It would have been slightly different if I had known him in real life or had messaged back and forth for a while, but this was the first message he had ever sent me.
Throughout all my adventures in online dating I’ve had a lot of hilarious messages, many which were degrading, some genuine conversations, and a collection of messages (like this one) that were out of pocket. I really didn’t know what to do with that one, so I wrote him back and said “Hahaha classic answer. Witty and humorous type of guy, that’s good.” I didn’t really have much to say and I was just kind of going along with it because I just wanted to see how ignorant this guy was.
He messaged me back and said “haha i know right. I should pencil you in for sometime this week ” Yeah, he just wanted sex. He even decided to hit me up in an IM and said, “Want to hook up and have sex?” I knew what he wanted from the get-go, but I just had to have a little fun and see if this guy was serious. Like it was a big joke to me, I was actually mocking him the entire time. So I wrote him and told him I wasn’t that type of woman, I prefer to take my time getting to know someone. I told him I only wrote him back because I thought it was hilarious and that he was a joke. End of story, never talked to him again.
The online dating scene does contain a few individuals like myself that are somewhat hopeful of making a legitimate connection, but a majority of the folks on these sites (men and women, even though I could sit here and just blame men) are looking for quick fixes and friends strangers with benefits. You can’t even really call a lot of the connections made friends, because in actuality everyone is just looking for something to satisfy their selfish needs.
True friendships and connections are possible to make online and in real life, but it’s rare. The dating scene in my generation has become so trendy. Everything is just for fun with no strings attached, except for perhaps a kid down the line, child support, and dreams that are crushed. Dating has just become reckless pickup lines that get recycled and cheap thrills that potentially lead to devastating consequences.
I often feel as though the days of meeting someone and forming a genuine connection have died, along with chivalry (that’s dead too, right?) I don’t mind an eternal death, but more like a death that has the potential to come back sort of like a zombie, except instead of craving human flesh, it’s an avant-garde zombie that craves love. That is an absurdly abstract comparison, but somehow it’s makes sense. In simpler terms, genuine connections are dying but that process of death can bring back new connections that are the same person, but a whole new persona.
Making those connections can be frustrating when you have to go through a whirlpool of individuals that are accustomed to other folks that have the same fake and self-seeking pleasure pursuit. When your surrounded by others that have that same mode of operation, it’s unnerving when an individual like myself steps into the picture.
I’ve always been the woman that is “different” from the other women that most men encounter, yet their tactics don’t impress me; that leads to unbearable frustration that makes them treat me like crap and attempt to break me down to their level. It’s such a childish approach to the reality that I’m not easy, yet these men still express their regret with ill temper.
Procrastination can be a pain in the you know what, especially when you wait to start a five page essay an hour before it’s due. I didn’t get to blog the other day (I was bummed about that,) and on top of that I had to work on this five page essay I kept avoiding. Luckily I just had to turn in a draft for my peers to review, so I was able to put something together and knock out what I’d say is a decent first draft. I would have worked on it last night, but for the past few nights I’ve been on the phone until the wee crack of dawn.
It has been quite some time since I’ve had some great conversations on the phone. Most of my close buddies are guys that I’ve known for a long time in person or online, but we still have this cool digital connection. Eh, it’s the world we live in now. You meet people online and form these amazing friendships/bonds that are via Skype, the phone, Facebook, and texting; the only thing missing is that in person contact. But I don’t discount someone or our connection just because we haven’t hung out in person. So the past few nights I’ve been on the phone catching up with a few different friends: a buddy I went to high school with and haven’t seen in 4 years, a friend I’ve known for less than a year and still haven’t met, and my awesome buddy who I’ve officially known for a year (as of last month) and still haven’t met (he lives in NYC, so hopefully when I’m in NY soon we will link up for sushi.)
With all these connections I have, not including people I know in person and have lost contact with for years, the same question always seems to come up: Do you ever stop liking someone? I had two of my buddies cracking up, because I personally prefer to describe liking someone as “likage.” It just sounds way more fun, cute, and innocent. Referring to liking someone as likage is my opinion is reminiscent of those old fashion “do you like me?” notes. I can only ever recall ever passing one of those notes to this boy I was head over heels for in middle school. He was this really cool Italian guy and we used to hang out all the time. We’d flirt, chat, and spend time just chillin out talking about life after middle school( dramatic, right?)
Long story short, I passed the note, and then we had to have a sit down. Apparently I wasn’t his type, but he enjoyed flirting with me and thought I was cute; just not he girl he wanted. So from that day on I stopped beating around the bush, and I began to let guys know straight up that I had likage for them. My blunt personality and direct thoughts have saved a lot of confusion when it comes to the often complicated musings of likage. But the one thing I always found interesting, which goes back to the conversation I had with a few of my buddies this past week, does likage ever end? Can you ever get to that point where you stop liking someone, even if you haven’t seen them in years?
When I posed this question to my three male friends, I got the same response but different expression due to their personalities. One of my friends said he’d never stop liking me or any other girl he felt was awesome, because likage doesn’t just stop even though you may not have seen them in 4 years and haven’t talked to them in over a year via some form of communication. I liked his answer because it was cool and it took me back to the days of high school how I had a crush on him. So I was happy with his answer, and then the next day I was on the phone till 3am with another buddy of mine. We hadn’t talked in awhile and ended up getting on the conversation of dating. We joked about how we used to think we’d date, but then he said he still believes that one day we will be together. My response was, “Yeah, but likage can end. What if I fall in love with someone else? I don’t think I’d have likage for you anymore.” Well, he disagreed. He feels as though you never stop liking someone, even if you move on, you still have a spot in your heart for them.
Talking to him did open up my eyes, but last night I had a great conversation with one of my favorite friends who lives in New York. We’ve had this really awesome connection for about a year now and we always end up talking about sushi, video games, art, music, dating, and so much more! Somewhere in the back of our minds we both wish that we’d be in the mindset to maybe be together one day, but the course of life right now isn’t quite heading in that path. Yet we did broach the subject of likage and if it ever ends. His belief is that you always like someone, and men usually in the back of their mind will wonder “what if?” Even if they fall in love with another woman and move on, somewhere in the back of their mind they will wonder what could have been. It doesn’t mean they aren’t happy or madly in love, it’s just a distant thought….
So, seriously, does likage every truly end? I mean if you have deep feelings/attraction for someone, does it just fade away? Even if you fall madly in love with someone else, I think some people will still always have those lingering thoughts of likage in the back of their mind. I know that there are some guys that I still have a spot for in my heart, even if it’s been downgraded from serious likage to level one like. No matter how distant I may become with guys I’ve truly had some type of likage feelings for, I will still always like them unless they totally just become a horrible person. But until I find that guy who can replace feelings of likage with love, I’m sure I will have those days where I just can’t get them off my mind. It’s like I’m constantly going through Facebook pushing the “like” button on those moments of “what if?”
Moon Boots – “Off My Mind” & “Off My Mind (Rogue Vogue Remix)”
©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com