My, my, my…yet again the state of Black dating has hit the media circuits. Usually I prefer to avoid commenting on the media frenzy surrounding Black women and the epidemic facing them in finding potential mates, but I figure I’d speak my opinion. For those of you who may not read a lot of blogs written by Black women, then perhaps you are unaware of the controversial new book by Ralph Richard Banks called Is Marriage for White People?: How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone.
First off, that title is way too long. I’m sure he could have easily shortened it to “Ebony Needs Ivory,” since his book is blaming the state of singleness on Black women and their lack of desire to date outside of their race. Now I must confess and say I haven’t read the book at all, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been reading the heated arguments made by Black women on other sites and blogs. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion on this situation that goes beyond his book. This issue has been around for quite some time, so it’s worth discussing. But I do intend on reading his book, it sounds interesting. A lot of women are upset that he would write a book and seemingly place blame on Black women for being single. He believes that many Black women are close-minded in their dating choices and need to date outside their race in order to find men that are of the same socioeconomic status.
I can understand why a lot of Black women are upset, but I also understand somewhat what this Dr. Bank’s guy is trying to say. Let’s just get one thing straight, I’m Black, but I’m not the “stereotypical” Black woman that is usually depicted. I’ve written blog posts in the past how many people within the Black community I have met have classified me as “uppity,” “acting white,” or simply “weird.” Some, but not all, of the Black men I have encountered usually end up being intimidated by my success and my level of education. Let’s pause there and discuss that briefly. I haven’t even graduated college yet, but to be 20 yrs old and a senior in college seems to scare off a lot of Black men I’ve met that may not be on the same socioeconomic level as me. You’d think it wouldn’t be a big deal, but a lot them are just shocked I’m doing so much with my life at a young age. What do they expect me to do? Be a stereotypical ghetto Black girl with baby daddy drama and no education? Nah, I think I’ll pass on that.
I’m not knocking anyone who does come from that lifestyle track, but that isn’t who I am. I’m extremely well educated, always have been and always will be. I don’t have kids, I haven’t seen all the “Black films” I’m apparently supposed to watch, and I’d rather listen to soulful house music instead of hip-hop. My past experiences in life have deemed me not a “catch” by a good amount of non-college educated Black men I meet, which is why I’ve never limited myself to just Black men. I actually can see where this Dr. Banks guy is coming from, but it doesn’t mean the way he phrased everything is right. Whenever anybody discusses they Black dating “crisis,” they must truly take into account the reality within the Black community.
A lot of Black men end up in prison, dead, or having a criminal past and not being able to be equally competitive in certain career tracks. It’s true we live in a society that is still subject to racial disparity, but some Black men really just need to stop playing the blame game and get it together. I know it’s difficult and Black men have always been a threat to White men in the workforce, but there are a lot of Black men that do have their stuff together and are legit. They hold distinguished degrees and are in positions of power in their respective fields. But usually the guys that are doing so well don’t have time for the negative attitude that some Black women portray, and these men tend not to be the most swag literate.
I personally prefer the intellectual, often geeky guy, over the swag literate guy who most likely can’t captivate my attention. One thing I detest the most is a high level of ignorance in a man. I absolutely am turned off by the guys that may be extremely attractive, but their conversation is ignorant. That goes beyond color for me. Any man of any race can be ignorant, so I’m not one to sit here and say all Black men are ignorant. But the major “crisis” in the Black dating pool comes when we start playing a major blame game and forget to take into account that some people or on different socioeconomic levels than others. Instead of bashing a man because he may not be able to hold an intellectual conversation or not well-educated, simply just shut-up and go mingle with men that are on your level.
I used to be one to complain about all the ignorant guys who would find me sexy and have this desire to know me, but the moment I actually began speaking about more than comedy and looks, they would lose interest and never call me again. It doesn’t too much bother me, because I also cut off men that are ignorant and just not worth my time. There is nothing wrong with realizing someone just isn’t on the same mental level as you and you guys don’t click. But so many Black men and women began bashing each other and playing the blame game, when in reality they need to just not trip over it and take people as they come if they want to. It’s ignorant to just limit yourself to one type of person based upon race, when in actuality it should be based upon personality and even ambition. When it comes to dating and the type of man I like, I don’t base it upon their skin color. I love all types of men as long as they are well-educated, culturally diverse, and fun to be around.
Anytime I’ve ever tried to get with someone from a different lifestyle experience, it never works out. I’ve had plenty of men tell me that the fact I’m well-educated and so successful at a young age is intimidating; they just can’t handle me and everything I’m doing. But that’s quite alright. I know that even in the midst of this Black dating “crisis,” they are still Black men and men of other races out there that are on the same intellectual and socioeconomic level as me. So instead of playing the blame game and complaining about the problem, I’d rather just enjoy being single and keep hope alive that things will change once I graduate and have a whole new network of interactions working in D.C. around working professionals. If you throw yourself in an environment immersed with a diverse amount of people that are on the same intellectual and socioeconomic level then you, then the dating “crisis” wouldn’t be an issue.
In the right environment and the right mindset, a lot of Black women would just be another beautiful Black woman with a Masters degree, not a threat to just “Black men.” Don’t limit yourself to one type of man, but don’t discount Black men either. There are a lot of “good” Black men out there that are well-educated, they just probably aren’t in the club jamming to Lil Wayne and Gucci. Black people are still getting married, they just aren’t in the mainstream stereotypical depictions of Blacks in the media. You will probably find the well-educated Black men in the engineering department or at a bar with their White friends being the token. Instead of chasing after the “thuggish” Black guy who you obviously know isn’t on your level, for that geeky token Black guy. Those guys are some of the coolest Black men out there, trust me, they are pretty awesome. Be calm and love a “geek” that is on your level, instead of going for a guy that you realistically have nothing in common with.
©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com
“The Black skin is not a badge of shame, but rather a glorious symbol of national greatness.”
Since the early days of mankind, Black men have roamed the planet and have overcome adversity. From our great African ancestors and the warriors transplanted from their kingdoms to the cotton fields, Black men have weathered the storms. The quote above by Marcus Garvey says it all, Black skin shouldn’t be viewed as a badge of shame yet rather a glorious symbol of
national worldwide greatness.
Black men, whether they be African-American, African, Mixed, etc; they are beautiful on so many levels. It’s something about the way they walk, the way the talk, the way their body looks, and the varying shades they come in. Even though many Black men have to deal with racial disparity and stereotyping, many of them still try to make the best out of life and make their dream come true. This persistent determination and evolutionary concept of staying on their “grind” is just one of the many reasons why I love Black men.
I’ve dated various people from different cultural backgrounds, but their is something about Black men that lures me in. I love the way their full lips gently move when they talk and it’s even better when their full lips are gently kissing you. In my opinion it’s a perfect combination, especially when my full lips are greeted by a Black man’s soft coffee coolers. I’ve kissed a few other guys outside my race, typically ones with smaller lips, but I must say some of the most amazing kisses I’ve had have come from a strong and passionate Black man.
The chemistry touches on an emotional, physical, mental, and historical level. Black men and women have over come great adversity, our ancestors are timeless heroes. The bond between a Black man and a Black woman is symbolic of Black history and the challenges are people have faced just to be together and see another day. Even though there are so many dating options in the world and there is nothing wrong with interracial dating, there is something beautiful about seeing a strong Black couple weather the storms and reach the sunshine.
One of my favorite things about Black men, is the fact they come in so many different shades, sizes, styles, and backgrounds. It’s hard to pinpoint down my type, because I don’t judge whether a guy is “light skin” or “dark skin.” As long as it has some brown in it, then I’m down for the cause. Black men have this enticing aura about them, they can appear threatening and dangerous to society, yet they can be gentle teddy bears. I especially love a towering warrior, the type of man that is 6’3” 6’4” and is built like a football player. Give me Dhani Jones, minus the ego and a little taller, that’s the build that drives me wild! LOL
There are just so many things that I love on a Black man. A nice smile, a smooth brown complexion, arms that are weapons of mass destruction, and an ambition that is relentless. I grew up surrounded by positive Black men, which explains why I love them so much. I come from a family of successful Black marriages, doctors, military professionals, athletes, dancers, entrepreneurs, and a family of Black men that strive for success. My mom has three sisters and four brothers and they are living examples of great Black men and women.
I could sit here and go on and on about why I love black men. From the inspirational leaders such as Malcolm X, Huey Newton, Marcus Garvey, and Martin Luther King, to the Black male icons such as Denzel Washington, Spike Lee, Sidney Poitier, Blair Underwood, and so many other Black men. Simply put, I love Black men! I admire so many great Black men and other Black men I admire as more than just great inspirations. *wink wink, how you doin’!*
Even though Black men and women face their struggles in relationships, we have to strive to remove the negative connotation that is being associate with “Black.” Instead of sitting around and bashing Black men for their faults (they have faults, just like all men do,) we as Black women have to view the Black dating paradigm from a psychological and historical viewpoint rather than an impulsive and irrational emotional complex. Black love still does exist, it may not be easy, but no interaction beyond a hello and a goodbye is ever easy. Instead of bashing a Black man, I aim to give them praise for their attempts at fixing the mistakes their fathers may have made and trying to be a good Black man.
Black men, what can I say? I love them!!! But one thing I love even more than Black men, is Black love….now that is truly a wonderful thing.
If you love Black men, then check out
It’s the site where I got the inspiration for this post and the pictures.
The beauty of Black love and Black bodies….Timothy Bloom’s “Till the End of Time”
This song says it all…Angie Stone “Brotha”
Single, single, and hmm…single. For so many years I kept trying to fight being single and force myself to take on the responsibility of a relationship. I was ignoring my instinct to date around, I was settling for relationships with guys I didn’t really care about.
Now I find myself single and completely content. I remember seeing a Tweet on Twitter a few months ago and it absolutely explained what “single” is all about. “SINGLE is NOT a status. It’s a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.” Yet, many mistake being single for being completely alone with twenty cats and watching Lifetime True movie Thursdays. Being single isn’t this depressing status and it shouldn’t always be associated with a lack of good looks and horrible luck in attracting men (that’s definitely not an issue for me.) You can be single, confident, beautiful, living life to the fullest, and not some depressing loser.
Being single is this wonderful opportunity that I think men and women should cherish. Don’t try to force yourself into a relationship because all your friends are getting boo’d up. Say no to peer pressure! There is nothing wrong with being single and casually dating without any impending commitment. I love the feeling I get when I go on a date with a guy and at the end there is no expectation of planning or wedding and what part of the country we’d like to live in. That is too much pressure! There is no need to go on and on about the possibility of us having a future, I’m not sure if I want to finish the last twenty minutes of this date.
I miss the days when men knew how to casually date and not take things so serious. It seems every date I’ve gone on throughout this summer has ended up with men trying to snatch me up and make me their women by the end of the first date. The worst thing would be when they asked me on a second date and for an entire week straight they would call me, text me, and keep talking about how great our date was. Ugh, stop acting like a giddy little school girl!
There is nothing wrong with liking a person and finding them interesting, but don’t put so much pressure on it. I mean I can understand if perhaps you’re at that point in your life where you’re ready to settle down, but I’m not at that point. I’m so not ready to give my life to someone else. I’m ready to explore and see the world on my own before I get tied down to a guy who works at Radio Shack and expects me to motivate him to do more with his life. A man should take time to work on himself and be sure he has something solid to offer a woman. I’m taking this single time to finish my undergrad and go to graduate school next year. I’m motivated to do something, so I’m not going to sit their and babysit you with motivation. Figure it out before you try to walk me down the aisle.
After having one drink or going on one date, I don’t want to sit down and discuss our wedding plans. You’re wasting your time getting attached with nicknames such as baby, sweetie, my girl, and boo (I hate that nickname.) It’s not that I’m against a relationship and I have this ultimate goal to be single and fabulous at the age of 40, but I just like going with the flow when I’m dating. Just because we kiss or make-out in the heat of the moment, it truly doesn’t mean we are going to be together forever. If I show you a little bit of interest or listen to your stories, it doesn’t at all signal you to step into boo mode and get all lovey dovey/boo’d up with me.
Our generation seriously needs to calm down and stop rushing down the aisle. You have to make sure you can support a relationship physically, emotionally, and financially. I met so many men in Colorado and here in Maryland who want to hurry up and find that main chick. They basically give up on their dreams (if they even had any) and get all boo’d up with a woman that isn’t really doing much with her life either. They struggle super hard financially and never get back to school or a career beyond minimum wage. I’m not just siting judging from what I’ve heard, I personally know over 10 men who have had this happen to them. It’s ridiculous!
It’s so hard building a future with someone when you don’t have an economic plan set in place. Finances are one of the top reasons why relationships are affected. It’s hard to truly be all boo’d up and lovey/dovey when neither person is fulfilling their true potential as a human being. I’ve seen resentment set in and it’s not a pretty scenario. Rushing to marriage at such a young age is often impulsive and reckless. I’m personally not going to put my self in a situation where I decided to forget graduate school and focus all my attention on some guy who keeps thinking about going to school, but doesn’t even have a dream at all outside of education. You can be a successful person without education, but you have to seriously have a dream and commit to it.
I’ve been homeless before and I know that struggling isn’t any fun. I don’t want to rush into a union with a man and not be mentally and financially ready. I have dreams that I’d like to at least get into motion before someone puts a ring on my finger. I think I’d like to build with someone later down the line, but we both should have a solid foundation to work with. Yet so many men I encounter are so eager to rush into a relationship and get all boo’d up. They don’t think about the ramifications of their decisions and they don’t take into account the possibility they should focus on themselves before trying to get married.
I’m honestly really sick of men, who barely have their life together, trying to get with me and start a serious relationship with marriage in sight. I’d rather be alone and casually date without the pressure. When I’m ready to get serious, then I’ll take my dates more serious. But for now, I have no interest in getting boo’d up. There is no need for me to commit to you when I’m so focused on graduating, graduate school, and taking my career to the next level.
So this is my open letter to all the men out there who are eager to hurry up and get with a woman, calm down! You should honestly examine your life and see if you are even in the right mindset and situation to get into a relationship in hopes of getting married. It’s not about making sure you’ve got a baller wallet, but it’s about having the ability to sustain a relationship on various levels. Before you think about getting really attached to a woman, make sure you’re not just acting impulsive. Make sure you can provide for her, yourself, and are living out your dreams. Life is too short and your dream is just as important as hers.
Recently my grandfather passed away and he encouraged me, in the last few years of his life, to make sure I live my dream, get an education, and be the best that God wanted me to be. Maybe for some of you young men, you don’t have a father in your life and your trying to establish a family quickly in order to fix mistakes that were made in your life. My encouragement to you is to live your dream. Get training, education, and be the best man you can be for an honest future you want with a woman that will come in your life. How do you expect me to trust in you and take you serious, when you don’t even have a dream? I shouldn’t be the only one in a relationship working hard on my career and making my dreams come true, I’m not down for that. If that is what being boo’d up looks like for some of you men, then I want no part of it.