After lying on my bed for 10minutes staring at my PS3, 360, and Wii, I decided to resort to something productive, which explains why I’m now lying here writing on my blog. I’m still dismayed at the Playstation Network being offline, I mean it’s been 3 days already and still their hasn’t been a confirmed date in which it will be active again. I’m able to function without PSN, but it’s been fascinating reading all these blog posts about the outage and what to do while it’s offline. You’d think the world had ended or something, it’s upset a lot of gamers and those who use their PS3 for movies. I will admit, it has been frustrating not being able to play online with my friends, but it also sheds light on our societal dependence on online communications.
There are so many things that you can do online in our society today, even ordering groceries and having them delivered to your front door. Aside from online dating, there is also services you can hire online and offline that will actually dump that annoying person who’s death grip is clutching your soul. I’d rather break up with someone on my own, but eh some people aren’t skilled in the “raw truth” department. It’s never fun breaking someone’s heart or bursting their bubble, especially when they were more attached then you, but it’s life. Unless your marrying someone and plan on spending your life with them with no paperwork involved, then sooner or later you’ve got to move on to the next relationship.
Online communication is an element that I couldn’t imagine not having in my life, especially considering the fact I’m finishing my degree online due to relocating to the other side of the country. Moving around so much and meeting new people offline and online, I’ve learned a lot about who I am as a person. My 20th birthday is tomorrow and people are shocked I don’t have any major plans. For starters, my Blackberry just got cut off and won’t be back on till Friday. Secondly, turning 20 isn’t a big deal to me, but if I was turning 21 that would be different. I’d want to go to all the clubs that play pure house music and are strictly 21 and up, the clubs I haven’t been able to get into quite yet. I’d spend my birthday dancing the night away and getting lost in the sounds of pure house music. Swaying my voluptuous hips from left to right, and letting my laugh rip through the pulsating beats as I enjoyed being in the company of friends and other house junkies.Then I’d finish the night off with my favorite desert, cheesecake, and a few rounds of video games.
Ah that scenario above sounds like the perfect birthday in my opinion. I’ve learned over the years that I’m a simply complex person. There are so many basic things about me, that branch into deeper classifications and interests. For instance, I love video games, yet I hate playing sports games and prefer first person shooters. I enjoy bright colors, even the occasional bright yellow, except I hate the smell and taste of yellow bananas, they disgust me! Another simple thing about me is I love to read, but that can be broken down into many more complex categories. I love a book with a good story line and passion, but I’m not into reading Zane and other explicit authors. Erotic fiction is nice, but not my cup of tea…I’d rather of hints and pieces of romantic passion, not a full on freak’s come out a night session.
Over the years I’ve come to terms with who I am as a woman and realized there was something different about me. I’m artistic but I’m not running around with tattoos, eccentric clothing, and making a statement on purpose for people to realize I’m an artist. You can be an artist without being a walking canvas, it’s up to your discretion. I have a zest for the arts, yet my clothing style is casual laid back but also glamorous when I’m in the mood to have eyes on me (which I usually don’t care if people notice me or not). I’m always in my own world, even when I’m out and about. When I used to hang out with groups of girls (can’t stand doing that nowadays), the girls would always tell me this guy was looking, that guy is cute, he is trying to holla, etc. I noticed the men but I never paid it any mind, it’s not a big deal. If I was interested, I’d make the visible eye contact, but usually I’m so content in my own space I even forget why I came to the store.
I eventually want someone to love me for who I am, the shining star that never has a dull moment. My ambitions in life aren’t determined by the constraints of social approval, but they are fueled by the passions I’ve discovered in my alone time. When people often let me down with their false promises and foolish agenda’s, I get into my own space. A world where I’m happy writing, reading, playing video games, working out, and listening to house music. People always ask me what I’m into and I sit back, take a deep breathe, and prepare to tell them the script. “My name is Jazz. I’m a writer, an artist, a video game junkie, and I hate when a house songs ends and the room becomes silent.”
My personality isn’t an agenda filled with shallow concepts and goals. I’m not trying to be the next fabulous girl with a bold baller by my side. I’d prefer to be the classic Jasmine McGee, with a tall(prefer someone 6’1” and up) and strong man by my side, someone that can hold me close and tantalize me with intellectual doctrines. I don’t ask for a lot of things in a man, but height is something I’ve learned I can’t do without. While most women want a man that is built a certain way, has no kids, has a good job, nice car, certain amount of money, and is a pretty boy who can make her body feel insane, I only require that the man I’d date be tall and not height challenged (of course a nice smile and handsome face). My dream man isn’t based upon delicate airbrushed pictures, but rather a reality. I want to fall in love with his brain before I fall in love with his body. Sounds weird to some, but it makes sense to me.
After everything I’ve been through with men and friendships with women, I’ve embraced the true beauty of who I am. My life may seem boring to some, but I enjoy the fact I have a life and I’m not in a cemetery. The cemetery is one of the richest places in the world because it’s filled with dreams that never had a chance to live…I don’t want to be another name on tombstone that lived a life filled with the voices of other people regarding what dreams are appropriate.
Life is too short to spend it trying to live up to the approval of people who don’t even know themselves. You have to learn how to be your own best friend and love yourself, before anyone else can come in and get to know the real you. There have only been a select few people outside my family who have ever attempted to get to know the real me, but once they realize I’m more than just a tall girl who knows how to make people laugh, they are caught off guard and abandon the mission. I don’t think people can ever really make you happy, unless you’ve already fulfilled a substantial amount of happiness within yourself that isn’t based upon the perception of the world.
I know who I am. I’m geeky,funny, bold, allergic to Penicillin,and a house music junkie. Some days I wish I could be a superhero and some days I imagine that I’m in one of those 1930s classic movies, except instead of me being the house servant, I’m the fabulous leading lady wearing the gorgeous gowns and kissing the leading man who vows to kiss my soul and never let me go. Like I said, I’m simply complex. All I can do is be myself to the fullest and one day hope that I will find those select few people outside my family that can grasp the essence of my personality.
The day a man is able to have an intellectual conversation with me, pray together, and then watch Rocko’s Modern life for hours, followed by Always Sunny, and a round of video games…then I know I’ve found the man I’d be willing to commit to in a relationship. Until that glorious day arrives, I’m going to continue my journey of loving myself and being the geeky yet artistic woman that my parent’s raised me to be. If being myself isn’t good enough for a world or some man’s opinion of what a dream woman is, then what else can I say? I’m just Jazz…