Tag Archives: Advice

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Goodbye Dating: I Don’t Want You, I Want Me, Myself & I

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I could sit here and write some overly-dramatic rant that nobody really cares about, yet I’d prefer to keep things short (yeah right, who am I kidding,) sweet, and oh so to the point. Trust me, there is a point here…one that is very RAW.

ThinkSoul25It’s 2014 and more than ever this year, I’m on my Wonder Woman mode. This 6ft Amazonian is putting things in gear to live the life she wants.

This year, I’m truly keeping calm and loving me, myself, and I. With graduate school (MA in Design) on my horizon, a new body (workout routine 5-7 days a week is paying off,) and a raw new look on relationships, I’m just totally in the mode of doing me. If it’s not about myself, my career, my dreams, my looks, or my satisfaction, then I don’t want to waste precious breath on it.

You see, in 2013 I tried really hard to put others before, specifically men that thought I was into, but then after careful consideration realized they just weren’t for me. Whether they lacked an ambitious career drive or lacking in the physical department (looks,  fitness, etc,) I just decided that in 2014 I won’t settle for lames. Continue reading

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Online-Dating

Part 2 | Hello, Goodbye, Never: A Rant on Modern Dating

Read Part 1….

Our society functions off the principle of “hello, goodbye, never,” so I don’t see why these men get so terribly upset. When I say “hello,goodbye,never” I basically am referring to the concept of relationships not being long-term.

Connectivity has become diminished to short to term promises, instead of relationships that have longevity. Now, I don’t think all of our society is like that, but a majority of the young men and women I encounter are in tune with that mindset. So if these immature men I meet are just looking for something easy and a sex kitten, then they can easily go find a girl that fulfills their needs and doesn’t enrage them with intellectual conversation.

If it’s not for you, then it’s not for you. You meet someone, you attempt to accomplish whatever it is you are in search of, then you say goodbye, and then you move on. I used to try to treat every man I met like he was going to be the next man I fell in love with, but that wasn’t the case. Usually it was just one date, a few phone calls afterwards, and then we never spoke again. That’s how it’s done nowadays. No stress, no pressure, no expectations.

I’m not necessarily pleased with the way things operate, but it doesn’t mean I’m not also an advocate of the no expectation theory. I can’t expect every man to understand me and want to have a long-term relationship, but that doesn’t mean I just become a girl that is “easy” and just focused on making love faces. Being an easy slut isn’t cool, especially since I’m a woman that has morals, intellectual pursuits, and a personality that doesn’t allow me to objectify myself. I’m a Taurus; I’m too stubborn and confident to succumb to being just someone’s object of affection pleasure. My aggressive nature is better suit for intense romance that encompasses physical, mental, and spiritual.

Life and the journey of love are something I value. I’ve been through a lot of crappy men and dragged into ignorant conversations, but I still have this redeeming quality in me that allows me to believe in something great magically happening one day. I’ve been the side chick, finding out men are married or even have girlfriends, and feeling like a total blow in the face. And some of the situations I put myself in, I’m not perfect either. Yet, even with all the horrible things that have happened to me emotionally and physically, I still somehow believe there is a good man out there; I just can’t sit and try to pinpoint the day it will come true, or the type of guy that will become more than just a “hello,goodbye, never.”

What I mean is I don’t know when I’ll meet a man that is more than just some great conversation, a date, perhaps a kiss, a little foreplay, and then a goodbye, followed by never talking or hanging out again. There was a point and time in which I’d be highly disappointed or beat myself up over the lack of longevity in my interactions with men, but then I realized it wasn’t me, it’s the societal approach to dating. The pool of human emotions and interactions is more like an ocean, a massive body of water that can be rough, soothing, gentle, and even deadly, while still bringing forth life. The tides are always changing, but in the midst of all the change there is still a system at work that will bring forth meaningful existence.

Good men and good women still exist; it’s just that those of us in the dating “game” realize that we have to go through a lot of hell in order to find that meaningful connection. But it all makes sense, right? I mean, how can you truly appreciate the good if you’ve never experienced the bad? I’ve experienced a great deal of bad, but I’ve also run across some good. It may not have been the greatest batch of good, but it did have qualities that made me appreciate what I had in comparison to the prior horrors.

I’m not giving up on pursuit of a meaningful relationship, but I will say the journey has been interesting, downright comical at times. At least all my “hello,goodbye, never” encounters have been educational moments that I can one day look back upon and cherish. Life is hard, dating is hard, and being a human being is hard. But I know that as long as I’m growing from my experiences, the end result won’t be a waste of time. And sometimes, I’ve been that one to say “hello, goodbye, never.”

Online-Dating

Part 1 | Hello, Goodbye, Never: A Rant on Modern Dating

 This is a rant I began writing, but it ended up being extremely long. So I broke it up into two blog posts. Below are my candid thoughts on dating.

The art of being a pickup artist has become so antiquated. Well, actually, it’s hard to even say that’s its antiquated because in order for something to become outdated it must have held prior popularity and an sensation of being “current.” I don’t know about y’all, but I never thought being a pickup artist or using lines was “hip.”

There is nothing wrong with trying to attract someone or gain his or her attention, but having a methodical approach is just not a good look. It surely isn’t impressive when you know a guy is using lines, and had probably used that line on a ton of other women. Sometimes those tactics do work, but it’s usually on the woman that are, well…easy.

Not to be harsh, but some women girls are just superficial, slutty, and just dumb. They lack the appropriate cognitive functioning that makes them a well rounded individual, so when certain men approach them with lines they are actually flattered instead of cautious and aware of the game being played. And the women that may have a hint of intellect, but are driven by pure sluttyness know when a game is going on, but are looking forward to making love faces.

Men are more than just sexual gods to me, so I don’t partake in the game just for satisfaction. Men have personalities, emotions, characteristics, hearts, souls, and ambition that make them a man. I don’t like to treat them as if they are only good for satisfaction, yet sadly some men only focus on carnal achievements instead of tangible emotional connections.  Those men realize I’m not easy, yet they have this glimmer of hope that perhaps I’ll be down for a “good” ride.

We live in such a sexually driven society, so I understand why it’s always a big factor when it comes to relating to one another. Yes, we are human beings and we have needs, but just because society and media put emphasis on sex, it doesn’t mean that every man or woman is just a sex machine waiting to be ravaged.

Perhaps I’m just a sucker for traditional romance, but I feel as though meaningful connections deserve to be made. When I say a meaningful connection, I mean a connection based on all levels: spiritually, physically, and mentally. A healthy relationship functions on all levels of interrelating, and when one area is lacking, the others are bound to eventually suffer in the end. You can’t bake a good cake without those imperative ingredients, so you shouldn’t form a relationship without those key pieces that make it taste divine.

I belief that passionate love and a meaningful connection begin with more than just a pickup line, which is why I can’t stand when men approach me with those lines. I’m not one of those easy chicks that lose their self-respect and feigns for male pleasure. I’m not out here hitting the clubs and the online dating market in search of a man to ravage me, yet delusional men think they actually have a shot.

Recently I actually had a man online send me a message using a line that was original, yet immediately signaled the making of a game ready to begin, all he needed was a referee. The message he sent me had said:

“Hey i would totally ravage you if I were ever given the opportunity to do so.. just saying”

I will give him some props for being original with his line. I mean that was clever, so I’m not going to knock him there. But like seriously, who say that’s in the initial message? It would have been slightly different if I had known him in real life or had messaged back and forth for a while, but this was the first message he had ever sent me.

Throughout all my adventures in online dating I’ve had a lot of hilarious messages, many which were degrading, some genuine conversations, and a collection of messages (like this one) that were out of pocket. I really didn’t know what to do with that one, so I wrote him back and said “Hahaha classic answer. Witty and humorous type of guy, that’s good.” I didn’t really have much to say and I was just kind of going along with it because I just wanted to see how ignorant this guy was.

He messaged me back and said “haha i know right. I should pencil you in for sometime this week ;)” Yeah, he just wanted sex. He even decided to hit me up in an IM and said, “Want to hook up and have sex?” I knew what he wanted from the get-go, but I just had to have a little fun and see if this guy was serious. Like it was a big joke to me, I was actually mocking him the entire time. So I wrote him and told him I wasn’t that type of woman, I prefer to take my time getting to know someone. I told him I only wrote him back because I thought it was hilarious and that he was a joke. End of story, never talked to him again.

The online dating scene does contain a few individuals like myself that are somewhat hopeful of making a legitimate connection, but a majority of the folks on these sites (men and women, even though I could sit here and just blame men) are looking for quick fixes and friends strangers with benefits. You can’t even really call a lot of the connections made friends, because in actuality everyone is just looking for something to satisfy their selfish needs.

True friendships and connections are possible to make online and in real life, but it’s rare. The dating scene in my generation has become so trendy. Everything is just for fun with no strings attached, except for perhaps a kid down the line, child support, and dreams that are crushed. Dating has just become reckless pickup lines that get recycled and cheap thrills that potentially lead to devastating consequences.

I often feel as though the days of meeting someone and forming a genuine connection have died, along with chivalry (that’s dead too, right?) I don’t mind an eternal death, but more like a death that has the potential to come back sort of like a zombie, except instead of craving human flesh, it’s an avant-garde zombie that craves love. That is an absurdly abstract comparison, but somehow it’s makes sense.  In simpler terms, genuine connections are dying but that process of death can bring back new connections that are the same person, but a whole new persona.

Making those connections can be frustrating when you have to go through a whirlpool of individuals that are accustomed to other folks that have the same fake and self-seeking pleasure pursuit. When your surrounded by others that have that same mode of operation, it’s unnerving when an individual like myself steps into the picture.

I’ve always been the woman that is “different” from the other women that most men encounter, yet their tactics don’t impress me; that leads to unbearable frustration that makes them treat me like crap and attempt to break me down to their level. It’s such a childish approach to the reality that I’m not easy, yet these men still express their regret with ill temper.

Read Part 2…

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Beyond Pigmentation | Marie Claire’s ‘Love and Race’ Story in April 2012 Issue

I’ve never been big on magazine subscriptions, but this year I decided to give it a shot. The only magazine I would normally read was Essence, but lately their issues just haven’t been catching my attention (yet I still keep my subscription.) So in an attempt to switch things up, I decided to also subscribe to a year of Marie Claire. And so far, I’ve been loving every issue.

Normally, I would have been in my “pro black” moment complaining about the lack of diversity, lack of models of color, as well as different sizes, on the pages of MC (Marie Claire,) but even though the magazine may often appear geared towards a “particular” audience,  it still has some great articles and tips. But out of all the articles I’ve from the issues that have come out in the past few months, I must say the Love and Race series in the April 2012 issue is very interesting.

I’m pretty sure the title of the article online gives you an idea of what it’s about, interracial dating. The staff of MC decided to embark on a three-part series to explore interracial dating and mating in our society. They wanted to get the inside scoop of what it’s like for some readers who felt confined to just dating within their race, but then decided to feel liberated and try something “new.” While some of the stories  discussed dating White men, I still felt as though it was a great story. Yet on one blog I read, this Black woman was complaining how appalled she was by the articles and stories of a Black woman, a Mexican-American woman, and Indian woman who let go of their shame and went for the “best” in the bloggers perspective, White men. That wasn’t what Marie Claire was trying to advocate, but I guess this blogger had her own opinion.

The woman’s blog post I read was interesting, but I still kind of disagreed with her. The MC issue was basically showing a few examples of women who were so ashamed to go against their parents’ tradition (even dating someone in their race, yet had nothing in common) and actually embrace the concept of dating outside their race. Then of course, there was a story by a MC contributor who is Black, and she voiced her thoughts on the Black Dating “Crisis” and how she is happily dating a successful Black man, no kids, no drama, and he isn’t a “thug.” I liked the fact she voiced her thoughts on the reality there isn’t a crisis, but I just honestly think race shouldn’t play a factor in dating at all.

When it comes to the concept of interracial dating, I’m all for it. Honestly, race shouldn’t even be an issue when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve been the type of woman that has dated Black men, Latino men, biracial, and even gone on some dates with White men, but nothing panned out because of personality clashes, not because of race. Right now I’m dating a Puerto Rican guy, and I didn’t decide to date him because of his race, but because of his values as a man, his amazing personality, our riveting intellectual conversations, and our great connection. He could have been any race and I still would have dated him, because he’s a great guy and that goes beyond the fact he is Puerto Rican.

Love should be a journey of meeting people from a variety of backgrounds and unique cultures. That, in my opinion, is what makes the journey of dating and mating so beautiful. Breaking down the social barriers and the stigma of what some traditional parents may think, and finding your own happiness. A lot of the women in the Marie Claire article were ashamed of dating outside of their race due to the feedback or disapproval of their traditional parents, but if you really love your child and want them to be happy, then I don’t think you should try to limit them to dating with the same race. Luckily for me, my parents never cared who my brother and I dated, as we were being treated right and were ultimately happy.

At the end of the day, true love and happiness is more important then the pigmentation of skin.

©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com

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♥ | The Love Project.tv

A few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a guy I had chatted back and forth with. We had been messaging back and forth for awhile, so then we finally decided to have a phone conversation. The conversation covered the usual topics( name, age, interests, etc,) but he took it upon himself to ask me “Are you looking for a relationship or are you looking for love?” I hadn’t had someone pose the question in that fashion, so I told him “I’m looking for love. Well not looking, but open to the idea of letting it happen.”

It’s hard to say that I’m looking for love, because I’m not really looking. Of course I put myself in a position to meet new men and embark on a journey of friendship, connections, and perhaps provocative flirting here and there. But I can’t say that I’m on a hunt for love. I don’t think love should be something that you have to hunt for and be on the lookout with an open eye, yet rather it should be a natural progression of bonding. I suppose that bounding takes place in the form of a relationship, but according to that guy a relationship and love are two different things.

You can fall in love with someone without being in a relationship (friends do it all the time) but I understood what he was trying to say. It’s one thing to have a relationship just for the sake of it, however a relationship can simply be a status, whereas love can be a life-changing emotion, an abstract expression, and a state of euphoria. I think we’ve all as human beings have had some point in our life where we were in a relationship just because. It’s not like we were hoping to fall in love. Things went day by day. Things were said and done, but they might not have meant a great deal. Young & Foolish.

I’ve had some good relationships but I don’t think I’ve been madly in true love. But I’m young and still on a journey. Some people find their true love right off the back, and others have a lot of soul searching to do. As I grow to love myself I grow closer to the possibility of meeting someone that I’d want to give my love to. Wait…but what exactly is love? It seems like such an antiquated question, yet it’s apparently quite relevant. People around the world are still trying to fulfill this internal desire to bond with one person emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I think that even though a lot of people might enjoy dating around and having various physical partners (that’s not my thing,) they may be intrinsically searching for that one to eventually settle down with (marriage, long term commitment, etc.) This exploration of love and human connection is where The Love Project comes into the equation.

Have you heard about it? If you’re an avid Facebook user then you might have seen an advertisement on the sidebar: The Love Project Official Facebook Page At first I thought it was this charity for AIDS or some type of cause, but then I clicked on the ad and immediately fell in love with the concept. The Love Project is an online discussion/forum with videos, commentary, and advice on all things related to love. The goal is to bring everyone together in a positive environment using social media (videos, messaging, tweeting, etc) to discuss love, what love is, and an assortment of questions.

The page was first launched on December 1st and it’s already receiving quite the buzz. Relationships, dating, sex, and love are always going to be topics that people are going to discuss. It always seems to come up in conversations. Shoot, last night I was on the phone listening to someone express to me their discontent with insecure woman and the perils of trying to find a secure woman that is worthy of his love. I don’t really have issues or complaints of that nature when it comes to love. My thing is I just haven’t found that man who kisses my soul. A man who inspires me to crave him spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Just haven’t found that chemistry right now, so I’ve been single for almost a year.

I suppose I’m not on a journey to find a relationship, but I do desire love. A love that is unexpected, natural, and not forced. I can’t really sit here and say exactly what love is, but you know it when it majestically infuses into your life at the right time & place. Love isn’t a cute four letter word that little kids scribble in crayon, it should be a phantasmagorical heart pounding emotion.  Now, that is a phantasmagoria of love….

The Love Project

For more thoughts on love, visit The Love Project’s website for videos on a variety of topics and answers from everyday people. You can even submit your own videos. Check it out!

http://theloveproject.tv/

©Jasmine McGee.ThinkSoul25. http://thinksoul25.com

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True Freedom

I absolutely love being single! My life is so carefree right now, all I have to worry about is me. I don’t have to put time or effort into a guy that I kind of like, but don’t find myself being totally into him. I’m just not in the mindset right now to get attached to anyone, it’s just not happening. Of course I’ve met some decent guys that are somewhat charming, but they aren’t impressive enough for me to actually consider giving up my single life. For the first time in a long time, I’m really content with my life; I am truly liberated and soaking up my freedom.

I have this new amazing fitness plan I start once I move in on Saturday and on top of fitness, I’m doing well in school and I have a writing gig that pays weekly. Life is good right now. The only way I can see myself putting a man into the equation is if he meets my criteria. 1.) Well educated 2.) funny 3.) ambitious 4.) spiritual and 5.) tall.  You’d think that this would be easy to find, but a lot of guys that try talking to me either get super attached and clingy or they just continue to bore me with conversation about how nice I look and how much they like me. It’s like ugh, I get it, move on. No need to always talk about how I look and the same boring things. Can we please have a mature adult conversation beyond looks? How about we discuss art, politics, or even fitness.

Boring conversation is a major turn off to me, followed by immature attachment. It’s not even that I have commitment problems, because when I’m in a relationship I don’t mind hanging in there and making it work. The major issue is when guys I’m not really feeling like all that just want to jump the gun and get uber clingy. Not cool. That pushes me away, especially in the mindset I’m in right now.

Being single is such a liberating feeling. I’m in my last year of college, I’m finding myself, and a year from now I will be off having a whole new life. Once I get settled into life after college, living on my own, and working a normal 9 to 5, then I’ll be open to the idea of meeting other educated singles that are career driven and have a similar lifestyle. But for now, I’m not even thinking about becoming exclusive with anybody. Eh, no thank you.

I’m all for having male friends, but so many of them see that I’m a beautiful young educated woman and just want to make me their girl. Why can’t you just appreciate my worth and not trying to tie me down in a relationship? I won’t lie, in the past I’ve quickly jumped into relationships with guys that had everything I wanted, but that is the past. Right now I’m enjoying living my life, no strings attached, and making my dreams come true. I just don’t have any time for a commitment or attachment, especially with someone clingy. I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now and I definitely don’t want to seriously date. Dating should be fun, no pressure, just having a good time meeting new people.But the way things are right now, I’m so content with taking a break from going on dates and just enjoying being single and focusing on the things that matter most, my life.