Life has been pretty serious lately and everyone around me seems to think so too. I want to try an experiment here. I’m just going to let my mind loose on all of you. No censorship, no pattern or reason to these thoughts. I’ll simply allow myself to naturally move from one thought to the next. Plus, to make light of current events, I felt it a good time for irreverence. So for you, a stream of thoughts on a lazy Saturday:
I hate it when people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Really? I can’t? Then what in the fuck is the goddamned cake for then, huh?! Cake is pointless if I can’t eat it. Come up with a better proverb. Or just be more specific: You can’t both preserve your cake and consume it too. There, solved.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said this to my girlfriend directly following a handjob: “You know, what if my semen were flammable? Then we could be like a super hero duo where you make the motions and I’ll hold a lighter out in front of my wang.”
Are the Girl Scouts affiliated with the Boy Scouts? I mean do they hold the same fucked up and morally-corrupted “values”? If so, they can take their delicious cookies and go fuck themselves. Excuse me, what was that little eight year old girl standing in front of the grocery store? Do I want a box of cookies? YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Anyone who doesn’t like the song, “Africa”, by Toto can go to hell.
After reaching age 30, I often think back on all the crazy shit I did in my early twenties. Sometimes I really miss those days and other times I wish I’d get hit by a truck.
Anyone else going to be really disappointed when December 21st of this year finally rolls around and nothing happens? It reminds me of the time in high school when a girl I had a crush on told me that she was going to bang me at this party on Friday night. She said she was going to bang me hard. Well the only thing getting banged was my head. Against a wall. Because come Friday, she was totally not bringing about the complete annihilation of planet earth due to an ancient calendar’s end day.
Michael Bay is remaking The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Only they’re not teenagers. Or turtles transformed by mutagen. They’re space aliens. We should all dedicate this Sunday to the memory of TMNT. It might be the last time you remember them fondly before they become Space Alien Ninjas That Look Like Turtles.
On that note, why is Michael Bay, A.) still legally allowed to produce, write and direct movies, B.) such a complete rim jobber, and C.) still alive?
Ever since viewing a horrifying picture of rectal prolapse, I have an illogical and irrational fear that my ass is going to fall out.
On second thought, I’d still eat girl scout cookies regardless of the organization’s views on civil rights so long as the cookies are free.
It really bothers me when people say crap like, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Can you imagine if we lived in a world where this replaced the golden rule? I mean, seriously. People do shitty stuff and it’s your responsibility to let them know they’re being shitty.
Cut it out already with the ironic mustache; you’re not fucking Tom Selleck. As an added thought, if you ever see a group of girls sporting fake mustaches and taking pictures, go murder a kitten so we can bring some truth to this notion: Every time a girl takes a picture in a fake mustache, a kitten is murdered.
My girlfriend just started fostering two kittens in her apartment. They smell like their own poop.
What kind of person does it take to be a juggalo and have no shame? I just don’t get it.
Everyone has different tastes and preferences. Some people vote Republican and some people have sense. This means that we can logically come to the conclusion that someone out there doesn’t like nachos. Can you believe that shit?
I mentioned in my review for Double Dragon Neon that there’s no better combination in the world than Double Dragon and nachos. I stand by that statement.
If anyone has anything to add, please think it aloud in the comments below. I would like to know what other people’s brains do.